You know how they say, “You may not remember what people say, but you will always remember how they made you feel“? Well, it is true. And recently, I’ve been thinking (as I usually do; iThink) about this very issue.. the way people have made me feel. I have a somewhat impersonal relationship with negative feelings, so I naturally focused on the good. The bad is just too depressing, and- to be honest- unnecessary; so why focus on it?
Anyhow, today I want to talk about a few people who have helped me over the years- in ways they don’t even know themselves. This list is not comprehensive, but it’ll do for now. Most of the individuals I will mention do not read this blog. Heck, they probably do not even know it exists. Many of them are somewhere in far-far-away and we have kind of lost touch, but I still think about them.. sometimes more, sometimes less, but I somehow always do.
Today I will share- once again- things that are personal. I am- once again- sharing me!
Someone who made me feel worthy: Thomas (DjSose)
It was a very intimate moment. One he probably took no notice of himself. It was a moment that changed my life, my perception of men; perhaps the moment that changed the course of my life.
Thomas and I used to be friends.. good friends. We used to spend so much time talking. It’s quite sad, thinking back and realizing just how much things have changed. Thomas Tomato won’t ever know how much I love him.. still! I won’t go into all the things that happened.. but I will speak of the one thing that change my life: his kiss!
He had worked all night dj-ing, hadn’t slept a second, and came down all the way from Hatfield to Essex to pick me up and drop me off at the airport.. at around 6am. I was tripping at first, as he had told me (the night before) that his car was having issues, and when he did not answer my first call, I feared he might have not yet sorted it out. Anyway, he eventually got to my house, picked me up, and we drove down to the airport. Upon arrival, I took out my bags and he came out to say good-bye. I wasn’t going to be gone for long, but he hugged me very tightly, looked me in the eyes, and kissed me. He placed a kiss on my forehead. He kissed it once, twice, then my cheeks, and then showered me with kisses.. more kisses.. all over my face. Smiling, he entered his car and drove off.
It wasn’t until I got on the plane that I realized I had been crying. It took me a while to figure out why.
I was crying because I realized that up until that point every single guy I had spent any amount of time with, would either try to touch me, try to get in my pants, try to force me, try to do indecent things, most often against my will. But not him. He never did. Upon all the time and moments we shared together, even alone in his house, he never ever made a move on me. Although there were numerous opportunities for him to try something, he never did. We would laugh and joke .. and I could just feel like a silly little girl. I could feel free, I could be me. We had such a connection, we understood each other. It was beautiful.. and he made me feel worthy. He made me feel special. I don’t know..
I remember the ear-ring he gave me that morning on our way to the airport. He had just collected it back from his Ex. He loved it so much, he hardly ever took it off, and had refused it give it to every single person that had wanted it. But when I left the car that morning, he took it off and gave it to me. It’s been years, and I’ve kept my promise of not loosing it.
Thomas has made me feel more special than any other man has managed to thus far. He made me feel beautiful within. He helped me see I was a young woman who deserved to be respected. The morning he showered me with kisses was the day I realized not all men were fools, abusive, opportunistic. It was the day I realized I did not have to feel bad for turning someone down. The day I realized I deserved to be treated with respect. The day I realized I had a heart I would probably be able to one day give away after-all. It was the day I felt God’s lips on me, kissing me and telling me I was worthy of being loved.. without having to give myself away.
Someone who makes me feel beautiful: Ifedapo!
Usually when people complement me, I take it as flattery or Hollywood-lines that do not deserve to be given too much attention. Most compliments are shallow, impersonal, extremely generic; but when Ife compliments me, I blush. I blush because I feel he actually means what he says. His words make me feel all warm and fuzzy. Recently, we skyped, and his words brought tears to my eyes. Needless to say, I needed to end the conversation promptly.
Ife does not compliment me because he fancies me or wants to make me feel good about myself. No, he does so simply because he feels the urge to. Some days ago, he gave me an analysis of my facial features, and how the lines come together perfectly. He described what he liked about my eyes, my nose, my smile. It was so personal, it felt extremely intimate. His words have had that effect on me for years now. I don’t like admitting it, but it does feel good: knowing that someone actually means what they say. I’m not one to go fishing for compliments. I know I am pretty, I am sure of it. I smile when I look at my reflection.. but it’s still nice to have someone appreciate both your inner and outer beauty in a way that makes you melt. Whatever he says is tailor-made; never one-size-fits-all. When he speaks to me, it touches me, because I know that was is being said to me, is not being said to a handful of others. I am sure many of the people who have taken the time to compliment me meant what they said too, but not many of their words have touched my heart. Ife’s do, and for that I am truly grateful!
Someone who makes me feel gifted: Olatokunbo!
I started writing ages ago. I’ve always loved literature; I’ve always liked writing. I started reading (fluently) at the mere age of three and 1/2, and writing soon after. I’ve always been a bit “different”; saving my pocket money to buy books, spending more time reading than playing with friends, more time thinking and learning, than gisting or gossiping.
I’ve always known (and been told) that I have a beautiful mind, and needed to share it more freely. This has always been difficult for me. While many may say I talk a lot, they do not realize I do not really share much of that which is personal to me. Often I talk much, yet say nothing. I joke, but reveal little. Often I am physically present, while mentally absent. Through my writing I have learnt to share more of me. I find it so much easier to share my feelings, intellect, knowledge, fears, worries, desires, wishes, hopes, dreams, imaginations (you get my point) through writing. Hence, the creation of this blog. It was one blog(ger) in particular that inspired me to start my own: Olatokunbo! I fell in love with his blog, before I fell in love with him (if I may say so).
And this is where I am going: he is a really good writer! I do not only respect him as a person, I respect him as a writer too! Often people tell me “Oh, that story was really nice” without being able to tell me what they liked about it in particular. I get the idea of not being able to explain yourself, but sometimes- yes, most often- I do wish for constructive criticism that can help improve my writing too. While I appreciate every comment, I share stories with meaning and derive special satisfaction from seeing people “get my stories”.
Tokunbo always does.. and he goes ahead analysing them. He does it in such a beautiful and deep way, it makes me feel.. well, awesome! There is nothing as painful as coming to the realization that no one (else) is understanding what you are trying to say. He always does.. adding a twist/light/insight to it I did not even see/intend myself.
A couple of days ago he told me I was one of his favorite writers. That alone made me blush (figuratively) as I know that he 1) does not give out compliments freely, 2) would not have said it if he didn’t really mean it, and 3) knows a lot of writers, some of whose works/blogs I have read myself, and know just how good they are. You know, it is one thing for someone to tell you you are good at something, but a completely different thing to hear it from someone you respect, and whose gift itself is in that field. Yes, Tokunbo has really made me feel like one of my gifts is indeed something I can and should share with the world.
Someone who makes me feel complete: My Dad!
My dad is (most probably) the most important man in my life. I’ve told him numerously, however, that that position would soon be taken over by Mr. Man. He laughs at it all the time; although I can see he is glad to have it.. still!
My dad and I have a very interesting relationship. If you didn’t know my age (or what I looked like) and saw me play with my dad (yes, I know that doesn’t quite work..), you wouldn’t think me a day older than four. We are very close in a very… hmmm.. well, innocent kind-of-way (obviously). When I say “innocent”, I really do mean.. child-like innocence.
Tonight, my mom felt the need to report me to my two elder sisters in London. She narrated last night’s event, saying, “Can you imagine. She tied up your father’s legs with a rope and then fastened it to the cupboard. When he now tried to get up, he couldn’t and pulled so hard, the drawers of the wardrobe landed on the floor.” And as she was narrating, I was just laughing out loud, as though it was the funniest thing ever, and so did he. She then continued saying, “Vicky, I wonder what you’ll do to your husband o. Please, leave my husband for me and find your own!” At which he just shook his head laughingly and waved his hand, in a way telling me “not to mind my mother”.
Our relationship is a very simple and beautiful one. I’ve gotten used to not being around him all the time now. It took him quite a bit of getting-used-to too. When I moved to London (against my wish) six years ago, it was hard for me at first.. extremely hard! And a few months later I got calls from my mother, confirming my father was struggling to get to terms with my being-away too. At some point, she even asked if I didn’t want to come back. Maybe it was for the best? I knew it was because of him and his grumpiness. My father is a child at heart. He loves to play and joke.. and I guess I am the one child that relates to this the most. We forget about age and probably everything else that is important in life, and feel free to just be “us” for a second.. and it is a beautiful thing. Others look at us and worry about me, “Vicky? That one? She won’t be able to leave her father’s house”. But I just smile.. When it is time for me to leave, I will leave. And I will do so gladly, simply because I know I would not leave my father for a man whom I did not love more than him.
It is a wonderful benchmark I have, you see. Not looking for a man who is like my father, but one who makes me feel just as complete and wonderful as he does. Letting me know it is okay to just be me. My father has touched my heart and life in many ways. He is a man full of wisdom, knowledge and understanding. He is probably one of the smartest people I know. He is one who has become more beautiful with the years-both within and without- and has so much to give to this world. In fact, he is one deserving of a post on this blog.. all about/for himself. One day..
Anyway; on this note, I want to wish my beloved father a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY (today)!!!
..and Thomas too!! (June 5)