My Kachi wanted me to share a letter to my future husband.
This is me doing precisely that.. writing to YOU!
Dear Future Husband,
I am super excited about writing today. Well, not this day in particular, but writing you in general. I hope you don’t mind me publishing this for the entire world (friends, family, and strangers) to see. Guess you’ll let me know when we finally meet.
Anyway, I am excited.. excited about you!
The past couple of months haven’t been the easiest for me; relationship-wise, that is. Well, I am in no relationship at the moment, but I’ve been going through a rather intense emotional roller-coaster, and it’s only just about coming to a final halt.
You know, when one’s been going about the normal life as expected, steadily keeping an eye open for when HE would finally show up; living life laughing and loving, but more or less secretly waiting and wondering, hoping and wishing, fasting and praying for HIM to show his face, it is not uncommon for one to grow weary, and talk oneself into engaging in some harmless flirting- just for now, for the time being.
Well, I flirted and got more attached than at first anticipated. I was hungry for a man in my life, some excitement, something new, different.. I was hungry for you. But since you weren’t around, someone else had to make do.
I sincerely apologize.
I got so caught up, I was busy dancing the Waltz to the beating of my own heart; dancing around a burning flame, hoping to not get burnt.
My fingers did; but I kept my heart in-tact, in one piece. My heart’s been bent and chipped at, but it has never been broken. And that is what I have come to tell you: I have not given it away.
I’ve always fully understood the difference between being infatuated or “being/feeling in love” and true love. Emotional tides- as I like calling them- I have experienced: the desire to share moments, laughs and jokes with someone you care about, having someone to think about and knowing that same person at some point during the day is thinking about me too; but emotional stability I have always lacked. With all the men I have flirted or been with, I have always been honest (both to them and myself) that my heart will ever only be given to one: YOU!
Three men I have met so far, hoping they would be “the one”, though they bore not the slightest resemblance with you. And for that very reason I held on to the only thing I could: my belief and God’s promise that you would find me.
Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine you smiling at me. In reality I look away when that happens, but not when you do it. Then, I look right back, right into your eyes, granting you unspoken permission to look right into my soul. When you stare at me, it does not feel uncomfortable. The depth of yours eyes makes me feel whole, makes me feel at home. When I think about this, my heartbeat increases and my eyes get moist. I cry. I can’t wait.
Sometimes, when I take solitary walks in the park, I imagine you holding my hand; sometimes I can feel it too. I close my eyes and simply smile. At such times I do not feel lonely.
A lot of people call me “butterfly” and I love that nickname, for it is true. I like flapping my wings. I like being here, there, everywhere. I love the element of unpredictability: not knowing what tomorrow holds, the surprises life throws at me. Don’t get me wrong, I love planning and organizing; but I’ve always needed flexibility, change, variety. I could not live a life of routine and monotony. But more than anything, I wish to be with you.
I want to grow and develop; I want to travel and be exposed to things I know little about; I want to discover life outside of myself.. I want to do all that and more with you. Nothing seems to make sense when you are not there to simply watch me be me and let me be there, watching you be you. And with time, us merging into each other.
I want you to have your freedom; that includes the freedom to just be you and remain an individual, but there is also that part I so long to share with you. That part of you, I want to partake of. There are many parts I’ve thus far not allowed anyone else to see. A beautiful corner no one else has ever been granted access to. An access I grant only to you.
You know, right after I gave my life to Christ, I shed tears of regret. Probably the only tears of sorrow, shame and regret I’ve ever shed. I shed them for myself.. I shed them for us.. I shed them for you.
I shed them because I was no virgin, and would hence not have that special gift to give to you. Probably for the first time in my life, I hated myself more than I did the man who forced himself on me.
But today, I cry no more. I cry not, because there is a gift I have thus far reserved for you: my first real kiss.
This, together with my heart- I promise you with all my being- shall be yours!
I love you,
Your Future Wife