I Still Love You

Prequel to No Other Remedy

***

I met my Ex today.
OK, let me be a bit more specific: I met one of my ex-boyfriends again today.
A guy I was seeing exactly 12 years ago.
A guy I was loving when I was 15.
Today, I met Chidi.

It was funny.. weird..
Not the fact that we met, that was arranged, but that it happened now.
I mean, I was just visiting. I had moved ages ago; and since we ended it, we hadn’t been in touch.
I had moved to a different city, a different country, and as I moved away, I simply moved on too.

It was funny.. weird..
Simply because it had been such a long time; since we spoke, saw, touched.
It had been since.. forever..
And yet, it felt just like yesterday.

It was funny.. weird..
Because I just realized now, that I really cared about him.. then.
It took a smile, a hug, a gentle nudge and a kind reminder of the times we shared to awaken those memories again.
But when they came back.. they did so in full force.

We sat down, drinking coffee. He had ordered it, just as he used to.
Then, he thought I was too young for it; but now, at age 27, it seemed just right.
He was always good at remembering details. Much better than me.
I smiled. I’m sure he wondered why.

And as we started reminiscing about the olden days, a shadow of guilt and shame over-came me.
There were tears in his eyes.
I was shocked, startled. I had not expected it.. this.

I was taken aback at his free display of emotions now.
He never used to show any then.

I was shocked at my own words too..

“You were just blind to it” he said.

Me: Blind to what exactly?

Chidi: How much I loved you. You just couldn’t see it.

Me: In all fairness, you never showed much emotion.

Chidi: How can you even say that? Seriously, how can you say that? I showered you with love and affection. I gave you so much attention.

Me: Well, affection and attention.. maybe.. as far as the both of us were concerned. You never showed much outside.

Chidi: Outside? You mean in public?

Me: Well, yes!

Chidi: You were 15.

Me: And so?

Chidi: Come on. You were 15. We were not even supposed to be in a relationship. Do you know what risks I took? Do you know what would have happened had people found out?

Me: Oh please. So you’re trying to say that that was the problem? Give me a break! But it’s all good. See, that’s why we can still sit and talk as friends.. 12 years later.. because I understood even then. I understood what our relationship was all about.

Chidi: Namely?

Me: Fun. It was about having fun.. and sex.

Chidi: Sex? For you!

Me: For both of us.

Chidi: Never. I wanted so much more. You never understood how much I loved you.

Me: Come on.. let’s be real. I knew I wasn’t your first choice.. and if you could have had Amanda, you would most definitely not have given me a second thought.

Chidi: Amanda? You know, I went for her at first because I thought there was no way you would say yes. The way you talked, laughed, joked.. with so much confidence. I loved it. But I wasn’t sure of myself.. of how you’d respond. I thought it was safer to talk to your friend first, and then.. perhaps slowly get to know you.

Me (paused): Hmmmm.. if you say so.

Chidi: I wanted so much more. Like, you have no idea..

Me: But don’t lie. You wanted my body too.

Chidi: Of course I did. I wanted as much as I could get.. that included. But more than that, I wanted your heart.
You know, they all used to joke about us. Making fun of me. Saying you bewitched me. My entire life changed. They did not understand but they all agreed..

Me (giggling): Please.. stop the romantic talk.

Chidi: See, you never did let me voice my feelings. Tell you how I feel about you.

Me: Felt.

Chidi: Huh?

Me: How you felt about me, not feel.

Chidi: Feel. Nothing much has changed.

Me: Seriously? How can you even say that.. after 12 years, and a ring on your finger?

Chidi: 12 years changed nothing. They did not change anything at all. Oh, you won’t believe how devastated I was. I was so sure you’d come back. But you didn’t. Not until now. You will never know just how much I’ve missed you.

Me: You know.. it was fairly easy for me to move on. Simply because I believed you had gotten what you wanted.. my body. Had I known you actually cared about me, heaven knows, I would have stayed; but it made no sense. I felt weird, loving a man 12 years older. I found the idea that you could actually love me ludicrous.

Chidi: I loved you. But you didn’t want to see it.

Me: It’s not that I didn’t want to. I just couldn’t.

Chidi: You couldn’t because of him

Me: Yes, maybe you’re right. I couldn’t because of him.

But he was no longer in the picture and I was ready to love again. I told him that. I don’t know why exactly, but I did anyway- against my better judgement; for I knew how it would make him feel.

He grabbed my hand and held on to it, tightly.

We sat in silence for a few moments. I wondered why he didn’t ask why I had contacted him again, sought out his details after so many years. Wasn’t he surprised, or was he just too pleased to be bothered?
A man now 40 and married; perhaps with kids? I did not ask, he did not tell. And it was good that way. I wasn’t too keen on knowing anyway.

We sat in silence a bit longer. My eyes were closed, remembering days now long gone. Some of the better moments of my life.. in pictures before me. I smiled at him; there were tears in his eyes
A man as beautiful and sweet as ever, seated beside me. A sudden desire overcame me. I longed to touch him, hold him close- just like before. I restrained myself. He’s now married.

But then I kissed him anyway, and I heard myself say,

I still love you.

Advertisements

17 Comments Add yours

  1. 0latoxic says:

    Aha! A sequel was requested of you… You dropped a prequel. Nice.

    Pinkus. Pinkus. You see what I said? Your ‘niche’ is playing devil’s advocate (of sorts). In most of your fiction, you write from the point of view of someone who’s contemplating or already involved in an action that’s obviously wrong and knows it, but goes ahead anyways, usually against their better judgment. You’ve certainly displayed that again here.

    The story is, as always, beautiful. One or two typos here and there. Nothing that affected the flow though. Have I told you before that you’re one of my favourite writers? Well you are. I love reading you, no matter what form of writing it is. Poetry, prose or article.

    Thank you for sharing your gift with me (okay, us *rme*)

    I still love you.

    1. DeMorrieaux says:

      Toxy!!

      You are far too kind and generous with your compliments! But I appreciate and accept them anyway lol. Thanks!

      Yup, I completely see what you mean, playing the “devil’s advocate” lol.. I’ve tried to fight against it, but it’s futile, so I might as well give in lol.. with the aim (of course) of presenting a better/clearer picture of what goes on in the heart’s of wicked/weak people.. in all of us, if we’re honest. Sometimes one needs to see/read it black on white.

      Thank you for loving me and my “work” lol. This is some serious encouragement yo! Cos at times I go back to what I’ve written and just dismiss it as “not good/ intriguing/ interesting enough”. There are too many write-ups stored as drafts lol.. maybe I’ll re-write and share some more. 😀

      Thank you, ore mi atata.
      And you are very much loved too! ❤

  2. habs says:

    Judgmental comments following! Chidi is a proper baba agbaya… Its either oju kokoro or he is not happy in his marriage. A married person has limits… either he stays with his wife or moves on.
    He should not be grabbing on to ‘WHAT WAS’ with another 12years ago whilst still married!
    As for the girl, its hard not to fall but if he can do this to his wife, it could be her 12years later.
    Love is complex but people move on. And 12years and married is long enough in his case.

    1. DeMorrieaux says:

      Of course, all cheating displays a serious element of selfishness and lack of self-control. We are all (more or less) susceptible to it..
      The question is always: Do I love my partner and value/respect my relationship with said partner ENOUGH to exercise self-control and not give in to fleshly lusts?
      Another issue is that of “true love”. What do you do when a relationship suddenly ended, you never really got over it, and the lover then returns.. after many years, and after you’ve said “I do” to another? Do you simply brush it off your shoulders and go about your normal life as before? For most people it would be very difficult/ near impossible. We always seek for closure.. We want to know how it ended, why it ended, how things could have turned out- had that “one thing” (not) happened (differently). We are endless seekers.. *sighs*
      At the end of the day (sorry, I know.. awful phrase) it’s about leaving the past behind and focusing on what you’ve got at present.. or at the very least being honest to yourself and your spouse about it all.

      But reality, of course, is often very different.

      1. habs says:

        First of all, I should say it was a good read! Secondly, reality yes, but love no be by force o! Infidelity is hard to avoid but it’s about choices so wrongs should never be justified by the word ‘REALITY’.
        This isn’t true love. True love to me means that I will not stop searching/trying and won’t settle for another alternative. If she did not contact him to catchup, would he have made any efforts?

        1. DeMorrieaux says:

          Tunji oh,

          Please let me just be clear: I am NOT a supporter of cheats/cheating!
          Of course, there are those who never cheat and who stand firmly upon their principles.. but there are others who don’t.
          This post does in NO WAY support infidelity. It merely shows one way in which it can come about. It’s actual aim is to encourage people to be careful.. 🙂
          Many of us think we are immune to falling for someone/anyone/an ex, considering factors such as location and/or time.. but these are obviously no major stumbling-blocks.
          Unless and until you determine within yourself to NOT cheat on your spouse, the temptation might just overcome you.. eventually. It is a decision.

          To get to the issue of LOVE: Love too is a choice. Just because you cheat does not mean you do not (truly) love your partner. It just shows you do not love him/her ENOUGH to restrain yourself. I really do not think it’s as clear-cut as you put it.. Cheating = absence of love. At all!! IMO sha..

          1. habs says:

            LOL… As I said earlier, they were just judgmental statements… I am not perfect myself and also not immune to being an offender or victim! Neither am I a love/relationship saint however, I feel that they (love, reality) very often become cliches.
            This is a prequel so we already know whats next, thats my basis for me being so harsh.
            Because he could have ended it with his wife and not keep the ’12years ago lover’ floating around if she was his true love. I have experienced the dilemma of being the heartbreaker and the heartbroken, and I think the earlier always know it’s better not to complicate it but end it.

            1. DeMorrieaux says:

              How can you even say that?
              How can you advice someone to leave his matrimonial home because of some (past) lover?
              Although it’s appalling, insulting and quite shameful, a rekindled love-affair should not cause the end of a marriage. Who says the affair is to last? And who says that he will remain committed when eventually in a love-relationship with Miss Past Tense?

              There are obviously issues that need to be worked out (very few damages are beyond repair), but without having sat down with his wife to work them out, it is not fair to advice an end.. iThink!

              But then again, I am playing Advocatus Diaboli.. *whistles away*

  3. michel says:

    Hmmmm… nice. Going to read No Other Remedy now 🙂

  4. habs says:

    I believe in fairytale love for all so trying to fix isn’t easy to accept. lol. Want to love and be loved with no long tings attached. At the end of the day, our weaknesses is a part of human nature

    1. DeMorrieaux says:

      I get what you’re saying.
      But unless something has been tested, I like saying you can’t prove it’s true!
      Same goes for love. (1 Corinthians 13)

  5. Kayshawy says:

    So you went behind my back to see Chidi? Anyway…I still love u beebee

    1. DeMorrieaux says:

      ( ¬_¬) Behind your back ke?
      You are the Chidi nah!! Hahaha.. :p

  6. dudubeauty says:

    Yes girl! I love this…I will be back with my analysis…

    1. DeMorrieaux says:

      Yay!!! Eagerly awaiting it.
      Don’t forget to read YOUR requested sequel thereafter!
      (Confessions) :p

feel free to say something..

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s