I’m not as excited about writing this post as I had hoped to be because I was just hit with rather saddening news. I’ll start off as intended anyway, and then work the news into the message.. somehow.. eventually.
Guess this will serve as a nice intro to A Cord of Three Strands III afterall. So, here it goes..
“Kissing? No, thanks!!! Not until I’ve got that ring on that finger. -Mama SU
That was my BB status at around 9:00pm a couple of nights ago. I quickly thought to go (more) ridiculous with it, and so changed it to..
“Holding hands? No, thanks!!! Not until I’ve got that ring on that finger. -Mama SU
And then slowly changed the “Holding hands?” to
- “Talking on the phone passed 6pm?”
- “Meeting 1-on-1”
- “Exchanging more than 3 sms per day?” and finally
- “Communicating at all?”
I wonder how or why anyone would take this seriously.. *worried look* So, for those who didn’t get it the first time round: This was me quite obviously being as ridiculous and unnecessarily dramatically “holy” as possible!
Anyway, so I thought, Oh how interesting! Let’s find out what people’s take on this really is. And so a broadcast went out, asking: “How far is too far when dating. Is there a general rule or guideline on what line not to cross?” I got a very decent number of responses, most of which I could obviously did not take seriously.. at all! But I’ll share a few of the replies I got anyway:
(#1) Rules? In a relationship? Nah.. anything goes!
(#2) Well, whatever you both agree on is fine, really. As long as it works for you both. Legoo! How far is too far? Really just depends on the two individuals involved. But everything has its limits sha. After all it’s just dating. Sex? No, that’s definitely too far. No sex. And not indulging in acts that will lead to sex. To be honest, everything kind of revolves around sex. But no sex sha. I see nothing wrong with kissing though. Personally, I hate rules. Whatever works for the two jo!
(#3) Everything is fine.. I’m cool with everything.. apart from anal! That’s definitely going too far. Eww! If she even asks for it, that’s it! She nasty!
(#4) Too far is my babe asking me to slip my Abdulahi into her without using Sagami as protection. That is clearly not OK!! Remember, I’m one down already. So, no! Talking about an Ex is not OK! Too far is asking me to go down low when she’s entertaining a forest. Visiting my apartment when she’s on her monthly cycle and displaying her tampon or pad is too far!! You think I’m joking? There are some funny ladies out there. Believe me. I’ve seen too much. Too far is trying to get freaky in public. The most I’ll do is abandon her in the middle of no-where. Don’t try that ish. For me, sex has to be intimate. That’s why I have special terms for it. I don’t like using the word “sex”, it sounds like a job. Sex. It is not intimate. I need intimacy. I need to like the girl I am hitting it off with.
And yes, too far is my girl blowing it off (farting) within the first two months. She only has licence to be completely free after we’re married. She’s a LADY! Ladies don’t trump. Oh Pinkus, let’s just leave it.. You ain’t ready for me.
(#5) Well, the way I see it: anything goes, really. Especially when dating someone like you (Pinkus), I can so tell you, even cheating goes! Yes, I would cheat on you. Simply because you have this no-sex-rule. It’s not realistic. I would still date you, don’t get me wrong. But I’ll definitely get it out there. It is what it is. I’m a man. I get horny. I need sex. Shrug. Kissing our touching or giving oral.. that’s not cheating though. The full-blown thing, that’s cheating. If my girl went down with someone else but did not let him penetrate, I wouldn’t say she cheated per se. Unless there is penetration it doesn’t count as cheating. Goes both ways. But yea, seriously.. in relationships, anything goes. Marriage? Now that’s something different!
(#6) I think kissing and a bit of touching is fine. Dry humping too *covers face* But nothing more. No sex. No full penetration. In fact, no penetration at all. As much as I would love it. That’s definitely going too far. But yea kissing and a bit of touching; I think that’s okay.
There were a lot of those who said everything but anal was fine, and equally many who thought everything but penetration was alright. I intentionally did not narrow the question down to “sexuality” as to give people (such as #4 and #5) the opportunity to expose themselves (iKid) but you get my point.. some wandered further than intended/needed. All the better for us and our amusement.
Moving on, I wouldn’t say I was surprised at the fact that all (without exception, both dedicated Christians and those not-so-dedicated) thought it was alright to get somewhat physical while dating. We all crave intimacy. No one spoke on how soon or early they thought it was acceptable; most believed in making up their own rules or simply “going with the flow”.
And that exactly is the problem! Most simply “go with the flow”, not knowing (or caring to know) where that flow is headed.. usually it is the bed. Most people fail at the very first hurdle; namely: making up rules! Although it was generally believed that there should be no general rules or guidelines for dating and that couples should simply make up their own rules, the unfortunate truth remains that hardly any couple actually sits down to discuss (not to talk of sticking to) rules! Where there is no law, there is no transgression. (Romans. 4:15)
But what happens where/when there is a law and you break it? Would it not have been better to just not make that law in the first place, so as to shield oneself from potentially breaking it? In a way, protecting the relationship from probable sin? And I am really using the word “sin” loosely her; sin being any transgression of that which has been expected and agreed upon by both individuals (relational code of conduct).
Having said that, the question remains: Is there such a thing as “too far” when dating/courting? Or do the “too far’s” change as a relationship progresses?
A friend of mine (word friend used loosely again; although I am not really a loose-kinda-person), while chatting on BBM, said (rather randomly, if I may add), “We should have sex though!” Needless to say, this took me by surprise. A flush of embarrassment, a raised brow, an open-mouthed-shocked-I-can’t-believe-you-would-say-so, and then finally a shrug.. He had to try, didn’t he?
And this is where it hit me.. He really just had to try! Guys will push boundaries/limits. Whether these were previously set or not, they will attempt pushing them. This is especially true for guys (although such roles are contemporary often reversed), and more so for guys who really do want the cookie! Yes, all guys do. Some from one, some from a few; but in one way or the other, they all do. Some know they shouldn’t, but go for it anyway, while others wouldn’t, were they not offered it night or day. Okay, I’m rhyming now, but you get the point. I won’t go as far as calling it a game, but in a way it is exactly that: a game. How far will s/he let me go?
I completely understand where #5 was coming from, as I’ve been there too many times: meeting, talking, liking someone, just to stumble at the “sex-hurdle”. I like to friend-zone and be friend-zoned at that point, you know. Let’s just agree we like each other but that’s about it. You won’t date every single person you like, afterall. I have no problem with that. I’ve also experimented dating someone who wanted sex but accepted- or let me put it differently: said he would try to come to terms with- my decision of not engaging in sex and related acts. It goes without saying: this relationship did not last a fortnight.
And this exactly is my point: Unless you both not just come to an agreement but are actually of the same-mind (Amos 3:3) you are bound to continually overstep limits. I believe in compromise, but I do not believe in compromising personal and goodly or godly principles. The struggle is real yo! Overstepping acceptable boundaries can and will cause hurt and/or heartache, for at least one.
Recently (and I mean within the last few days) two of my friends who have been sexually abstinent (one of whom was a virgin) told me that they were suffering feelings of.. hatred, anger, bitterness, regret, shame.. add to it what you may, for having “given in to stupid guys”. I did not find it right they tagged those guys “useless and stupid” as they were not forced to commit those acts but willingly gave in.
I found it all the more saddening, as the issue of sex was one we had discussed not too many hours earlier; and yet..
Sometimes I do try and put myself in God’s shoes and identify with how He must feel about our sin. We know we shouldn’t, but go ahead with it anyway, just to come back all teary, waiting for His consolation, upset that He does not simply take the pain away, forgetting the fact that He too is hurting. If only we had listened, ey?! Oh well..
Anyway, so there I was, listening carefully, spreading my arms, offering words of consolation; yet thinking to myself, when will girls learn?
As Christians (yes, I had to take it down this route) there are certain things that are not acceptable; while there are others than might be permissible but obviously not beneficial. But most importantly: There is a need for both parties involved to understand, believe and be determined to (by His grace and Spirit) keep to those things that are expected of them while courting. Late Mrs. Bimbo Odukoya has some amazing teachings on this, which I will still share in the days to come.
But even without those teachings, we’ve been given a Guide. A Guide to lead and direct us. Unless both are being led (rather than neither or just one of them) a dating relationship (note: I have been referring to unmarried couples) will keep struggling and/or eventually fall apart.