We Should Have Sex Though!

I’m not as excited about writing this post as I had hoped to be because I was just hit with rather saddening news. I’ll start off as intended anyway, and then work the news into the message.. somehow.. eventually.

Guess this will serve as a nice intro to A Cord of Three Strands III afterall. So, here it goes..

***

“Kissing? No, thanks!!! Not until I’ve got that ring on that finger. -Mama SU

That was my BB status at around 9:00pm a couple of nights ago. I quickly thought to go (more) ridiculous with it, and so changed it to..

“Holding hands? No, thanks!!! Not until I’ve got that ring on that finger. -Mama SU

And then slowly changed the “Holding hands?” to

  • “Talking on the phone passed 6pm?” 
  • “Meeting 1-on-1” 
  • “Exchanging more than 3 sms per day?” and finally
  • “Communicating at all?”

I wonder how or why anyone would take this seriously.. *worried look* So, for those who didn’t get it the first time round: This was me quite obviously being as ridiculous and unnecessarily dramatically “holy” as possible!

Anyway, so I thought, Oh how interesting! Let’s find out what people’s take on this really is. And so a broadcast went out, asking: “How far is too far when dating. Is there a general rule or guideline on what line not to cross?” I got a very decent number of responses, most of which I could obviously did not take seriously.. at all! But I’ll share a few of the replies I got anyway:

(#1) Rules? In a relationship? Nah.. anything goes!

(#2) Well, whatever you both agree on is fine, really. As long as it works for you both. Legoo! How far is too far? Really just depends on the two individuals involved. But everything has its limits sha. After all it’s just dating. Sex? No, that’s definitely too far. No sex. And not indulging in acts that will lead to sex. To be honest, everything kind of revolves around sex. But no sex sha. I see nothing wrong with kissing though. Personally, I hate rules. Whatever works for the two jo!

(#3) Everything is fine.. I’m cool with everything.. apart from anal! That’s definitely going too far. Eww! If she even asks for it, that’s it! She nasty!

(#4) Too far is my babe asking me to slip my Abdulahi into her without using Sagami as protection. That is clearly not OK!! Remember, I’m one down already. So, no! Talking about an Ex is not OK! Too far is asking me to go down low when she’s entertaining a forest. Visiting my apartment when she’s on her monthly cycle and displaying her tampon or pad is too far!! You think I’m joking? There are some funny ladies out there. Believe me. I’ve seen too much. Too far is trying to get freaky in public. The most I’ll do is abandon her in the middle of no-where. Don’t try that ish. For me, sex has to be intimate. That’s why I have special terms for it. I don’t like using the word “sex”, it sounds like a job. Sex. It is not intimate. I need intimacy. I need to like the girl I am hitting it off with.
And yes, too far is my girl blowing it off (farting) within the first two months. She only has licence to be completely free after we’re married. She’s a LADY! Ladies don’t trump. Oh Pinkus, let’s just leave it.. You ain’t ready for me.

(#5) Well, the way I see it: anything goes, really. Especially when dating someone like you (Pinkus), I can so tell you, even cheating goes! Yes, I would cheat on you. Simply because you have this no-sex-rule. It’s not realistic. I would still date you, don’t get me wrong. But I’ll definitely get it out there. It is what it is. I’m a man. I get horny. I need sex. Shrug. Kissing our touching or giving oral.. that’s not cheating though. The full-blown thing, that’s cheating. If my girl went down with someone else but did not let him penetrate, I wouldn’t say she cheated per se. Unless there is penetration it doesn’t count as cheating. Goes both ways. But yea, seriously.. in relationships, anything goes. Marriage? Now that’s something different!

(#6) I think kissing and a bit of touching is fine. Dry humping too *covers face* But nothing more. No sex. No full penetration. In fact, no penetration at all. As much as I would love it. That’s definitely going too far. But yea kissing and a bit of touching; I think that’s okay.

There were a lot of those who said everything but anal was fine, and equally many who thought everything but penetration was alright. I intentionally did not narrow the question down to “sexuality” as to give people (such as #4 and #5) the opportunity to expose themselves (iKid) but you get my point.. some wandered further than intended/needed. All the better for us and our amusement.

Moving on, I wouldn’t say I was surprised at the fact that all (without exception, both dedicated Christians and those not-so-dedicated) thought it was alright to get somewhat physical while dating. We all crave intimacy. No one spoke on how soon or early they thought it was acceptable; most believed in making up their own rules or simply “going with the flow”.

And that exactly is the problem! Most simply “go with the flow”, not knowing (or caring to know) where that flow is headed.. usually it is the bed. Most people fail at the very first hurdle; namely: making up rules! Although it was generally believed that there should be no general rules or guidelines for dating and that couples should simply make up their own rules, the unfortunate truth remains that hardly any couple actually sits down to discuss (not to talk of sticking to) rules! Where there is no law, there is no transgression. (Romans. 4:15)

But what happens where/when there is a law and you break it? Would it not have been better to just not make that law in the first place, so as to shield oneself from potentially breaking it? In a way, protecting the relationship from probable sin? And I am really using the word “sin” loosely her; sin being any transgression of that which has been expected and agreed upon by both individuals (relational code of conduct).

Having said that, the question remains: Is there such a thing as “too far” when dating/courting? Or do the “too far’s” change as a relationship progresses?

A friend of mine (word friend used loosely again; although I am not really a loose-kinda-person), while chatting on BBM, said (rather randomly, if I may add), “We should have sex though!” Needless to say, this took me by surprise. A flush of embarrassment, a raised brow, an open-mouthed-shocked-I-can’t-believe-you-would-say-so, and then finally a shrug.. He had to try, didn’t he?

And this is where it hit me.. He really just had to try! Guys will push boundaries/limits. Whether these were previously set or not, they will attempt pushing them. This is especially true for guys (although such roles are contemporary often reversed), and more so for guys who really do want the cookie! Yes, all guys do. Some from one, some from a few; but in one way or the other, they all do. Some know they shouldn’t, but go for it anyway, while others wouldn’t, were they not offered it night or day. Okay, I’m rhyming now, but you get the point. I won’t go as far as calling it a game, but in a way it is exactly that: a game. How far will s/he let me go? 

I completely understand where #5 was coming from, as I’ve been there too many times: meeting, talking, liking someone, just to stumble at the “sex-hurdle”. I like to friend-zone and be friend-zoned at that point, you know. Let’s just agree we like each other but that’s about it. You won’t date every single person you like, afterall. I have no problem with that. I’ve also experimented dating someone who wanted sex but accepted- or let me put it differently: said he would try to come to terms with- my decision of not engaging in sex and related acts. It goes without saying: this relationship did not last a fortnight.

And this exactly is my point: Unless you both not just come to an agreement but are actually of the same-mind (Amos 3:3) you are bound to continually overstep limits. I believe in compromise, but I do not believe in compromising personal and goodly or godly principles. The struggle is real yo! Overstepping acceptable boundaries can and will cause hurt and/or heartache, for at least one.

Recently (and I mean within the last few days) two of my friends who have been sexually abstinent (one of whom was a virgin) told me that they were suffering feelings of.. hatred, anger, bitterness, regret, shame.. add to it what you may, for having “given in to stupid guys”. I did not find it right they tagged those guys “useless and stupid” as they were not forced to commit those acts but willingly gave in.
I found it all the more saddening, as the issue of sex was one we had discussed not too many hours earlier; and yet..
Sometimes I do try and put myself in God’s shoes and identify with how He must feel about our sin. We know we shouldn’t, but go ahead with it anyway, just to come back all teary, waiting for His consolation, upset that He does not simply take the pain away, forgetting the fact that He too is hurting. If only we had listened, ey?! Oh well..
Anyway, so there I was, listening carefully, spreading my arms, offering words of consolation; yet thinking to myself, when will girls learn?

As Christians (yes, I had to take it down this route) there are certain things that are not acceptable; while there are others than might be permissible but obviously not beneficial. But most importantly: There is a need for both parties involved to understand, believe and be determined to (by His grace and Spirit) keep to those things that are expected of them while courting. Late Mrs. Bimbo Odukoya has some amazing teachings on this, which I will still share in the days to come.

But even without those teachings, we’ve been given a Guide. A Guide to lead and direct us. Unless both are being led (rather than neither or just one of them) a dating relationship (note: I have been referring to unmarried couples) will keep struggling and/or eventually fall apart.

***

We’ve looked at the importance of the Physical Connection and the Soul Connection; the next post shall discuss the Spiritual Connection.

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15 Comments Add yours

  1. Allegra says:

    I know where this is going; but even in relationships sex is highly recommended. It is good for your health and well being.
    The concept of sex within marriage has religious grounds, so from a religious perspective, yes, you might be right. But even religion got it wrong because there isn’t a mention in the Bible if you talk about Christianity where it says Adam and Eve were married. The first mention of marriage came far away from Adam and Eve’s existence. Unless it can be proved wrong, Adam and Eve weren’t married, were they?

    1. DeMorrieaux says:

      From my own understanding, they were indeed!
      When he saw Eve, he said “This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh” and upon this revelation, God said, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh.”

      It was a COVENANT. And that’s exactly what marriage is, an approved and confirmed covenant. Forsaking all others and cleaving to one. We have it all over the Bible (both old and new testament).

      Of course there was no signing or registry and all that then, but it was always “legalized” within cultural norms and customs.

      1. Allegra says:

        No, it ain’t. I said the word “marriage” itself was not mentioned until much later.

        1. DeMorrieaux says:

          You are talking about the WORD “marriage”? I am talking about the institution itself. The word matters little/nothing; it’s what it symbolizes..
          Let’s not be too legalistic here

          1. Allegra says:

            Let’s not get away from the main topic here. You might be right to think of Adam and Eve marriage in terms of their creation as Eve came from Adam. Still room to discuss here as there are a lot of arguments to throw in here.. However, sex before marriage as socially, culturally known is religiously grounded. Was Mary married to Joseph before Jesus came? Don’t get me wrong about the birth of Christ but I think if marriage was a compulsory step toward sex then Mary and Jos should have married before Jesus was born at least to make things look right in front of the society. Can you tell me if I am wrong?

            1. DeMorrieaux says:

              But Allegra, they WERE married! Joseph took her to wife before they consummated their union.
              Right after he found her to be with child (pregnant), an angel appeared unto him and said he shouldn’t be scared to take her to wife, for the pregnancy is of the Lord. So he took her to wife, but “he did not know her” until after Jesus was born; basically: he did not touch/sleep with her until after his birth.
              They married precisely because of culture (first)!

  2. Allegra says:

    Ah, sister. I think we’re not reading the same Bible. Can you give me that Scripture where it is mentioned?

    1. DeMorrieaux says:

      Yes, of course.
      Matthew 1: 18-25

      1. Allegra says:

        Hmmm. I knew you would give me this passage. Let me get back to you.

  3. N says:

    Jewish betrothal was as binding as the modern marriage. So, yes there were married. 🙂

  4. I’ve been a Christian for most of my life, and took it as a given that pre/extra marital sex was wrong.

    After my first kiss,I felt undeniable guilt but shrugged it off to appear cool. I went through a yo-yo period of :of its wrong/its okay with my then partner (who was of the I want sex but i shall respect your wishes school of thought; that’s long since over, praise Jesus).

    I now ask myself, does what I’m doing glorify God? Even if it’s not sex for me, is it sex for him? Am i simulating the pleasures and positions of sex? Can i honestly classify this as the expression of affection between two people who love each other, but love God more and want to honour him in their relationships? I make stricter rules every day, as my understanding increases.

    I wont pretend that its easy. The devil has this excellent trick of making you think that once you’ve done something once, abstaining in the future wont make any difference. And i’m not just referring to sex here.

    Many of us don’t realise that we progressively kill our consciences. Each time we step a little further into sin, and justify it, we make it more difficult to accept our wrong and turn from it . We are too proud to admit we made a mistake, so we pretend it was our decision and initial intent.

    If we do repent, we find it difficult to forgive ourselves.

    have you noticed a new trend? its no longer about forming goody-goody virgin, but about not sending and being open about sexual activity or promiscuity.

    Some years ago, a friend asked why I was waiting….and think it has helped me stay focused on what’s important. It’s not about being good, finding a good husband, not getting pregnant or shaming your family; its about honouring God with your body (at least for me it is). it’s also not about whether or not they were your first and only, or you marry them in the end. Someone in that category told me she still felt guilty even after marriage to the same person.

    Something that’s been difficult for me is having friends who were in the same school of thought slowly shift over to the other side, either by chance or by choice. And then find myself be ridiculed by these same people. Somehow its even worse that they are in the anything but sex goes group rather than the sex is okay group.

    Without appearing sanctimonious, I suppose its the darkness cannot stand light argument. You don’t want anyone to make you feel bad about yourself so you tease them. You also gradually make friends with people who do the same things, because its more comfortable.

    I still struggle,and I’ve done some things I really had no business doing. The older I get, the harder it becomes.

    I don’t want to be that self-righteous person who thinks because they are overcoming sexual sin, the rest of their lives are picture perfect and they can judge every one else.

    I remind myself constantly that its not all about that, I still have to love God and obey him in every other aspect of my life.

    I’ve been liking your posts all day, and i thought to say hello. Sorry this got a bit (very) long. I love what you are doing here, God bless you for it. Its one of my dreams to be able to speak to young girls about this sort of thing one day, God willing

    1. DeMorrieaux says:

      I love this!!!

      I’ll neither take away nor add to this.. This is complete in many ways.
      And praise God it was not me saying all this!!

      Today, when I say “no nothing” people think I’m being ridiculous. I’m often reminded of my past or my supposed inability to remain “righteous”. I just look at myself and smile, true, I have no righteousness of my own.
      But I am more than persuaded that when I am found, he too will have an understanding of “honouring God with his body” and honouring our relationship with total abstinence.
      Guilt and an inability to trust are typically those problems that find their way into a marriage where there has previously been sexual immorality. We see the word “sexual immorality” and believe all it refers to really is “sexual intercourse/penetration”. I blame our culture for this.

      But anyway, it is well. More grace and more strength! 🙂 *bear hug*

  5. Mikel Egusi says:

    As a Christian – it’s Marriage then sex.
    easier said than done. Which is why we must first submit our bodies unto Christ[and pray].

    If the ‘feeling’ dey hunger you, abeg just flee; or the two people involved should just watch nollywood films, go bike-riding…find something to occupy time and distract themselves.

    1. DeMorrieaux says:

      Chibuntu-kwenu-anambra-chibueze!!!!!!

      Long time. How have you been?

      LOL @ watch Nollywood movies. Hahaha! *spits*
      I agree with the “flee”ing-part, for obvious reasons.. and yes, outdoor activities can offer some great fun too.

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