Okay, so I’ve decided to share my favourite five “streams of thoughts and poetry” posts with you and tell you the story behind them.
5. Like A River
The most recent of these posts happens to be one of my favourite; although quite a few people thought it was a rather dark one. I like it because it speaks of commitment. A reminder of promises made and a determination to stick to them.
Although he had done wrong (infidelity) and was in the process of starting a new family (his mistress was pregnant), his wife’s intrusion and the reminder of unconditional everlasting love (the ring) was enough to set him right and cause him to return to his matrimonial home.
I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit; as (I believe I’ve mentioned this before) being left behind by my beloved (whether that be by choice or death) has been my greatest fear for many years. I’ve spent numerous nights trying to imagine what could possibly make me want to leave the man I’ve chosen to spend the rest of my days with.. trials, tribulations? Infidelity, an out-of-marriage pregnancy? I don’t know.. I’ve found nothing. This post I love because it gives me the hope and assurance, in a way, that no matter how much either of us will be led astray, we will both return one day. The reminder: the ring.
[Note: I will, however, admit that the original post can very well be read and understood/interpreted the other way round too. There is no right or wrong..]
4. Scattered Abroad
I think we’ve all been there before. If not all, then certainly most of us: “the grass is greener on the other side“. I feel like that most of the time. Being okay where I am, but constantly thinking, “What if I’m missing out on something else?” It’s either that, or wishing I could be in two, three, or even four places at once. It’s a personality trait, I want to believe, as I constantly seek change, variety.. in all things. Location, studies, employment, relationships. I’m back at home now (Vienna) living with my parents and baby bro (he’s turning 19, and yes, he’s still a baby.. to me) and I am happy living here; but I miss the days in London: the owambe-parties, the chilling after church, the random treats, everything. When I’m in London, I wish I was back in quiet and peaceful little Vienna; or perhaps in Shanghai, where I am a “class of my own”.
When I wrote this post, I was liking at least two men (seriously) and felt sorry for myself. Whom to pick and why? What did I like about them the most; what was more important? Who made me feel more or a woman; whom did I want to be with? It’s an “Oliver Twist”-kinda-ting.. always asking for more; not being satisfied with what you’ve been given. Needless to say, I “lost out” on both.
In a nutshell: it’s greed. I’m learning that there won’t ever be a time in my life when I’ll think I have (seen/done) it all, so why stress? I am learning this. I pray I will carry this knowledge into my marriage. Godliness with contentedness is great gain.
3. Silent Tears
Oh my days.. I was an emotional wreck!! This post was inspired by a very real obsession. I cried.. and cried.. and cried myself to sleep.. and then, in my dream, I cried some more. No, I wasn’t myself. It was a rather sorry sight. But I guess that’s exactly what I like(d) about it all: I was not myself. I like to think of myself as perfect man and complete woman: 2-in-1 toh bahd. I’m not even joking. Sometimes I worry about myself, to be honest. I’m confused as to how masculine I can be, and then, turn around to be a complete woman; both by definition! And no, I am not schizophrenic.
So, it was the first time I felt so emotional about someone, and I struggled to deal with the overload of emotions. My emotions went from 0 to 95 in a week and it was rather overwhelming. It got so bad, I’d rush home after classes and just fall asleep, not wanting to stress myself over having to face my longing hunger and thirst for him. The object of my affection quite enjoyed all the attention he was getting too, encouraging my rather unhealthy desires.. and being extra sweet *le sigh*. It took me quite a bit of praying to cut that emotional tie.
But yea, I loved this post because it was my most emotional moment ever. Plus he read it and immediately called to tell me it was okay. Mehnnnnnn… emotions though!! ( ._.)
2. Pretty Wings
As with most seasons in life, my emotional drama came to a quick halt, as my rationality began to set it. The post really is self-explanatory. I realized that with all my loving and longing, what I really needed was intimacy and commitment. I realized that, although I really liked this guy, it was most probably not ever going to be. Commitment is the only assurance I will ever need; if I don’t have that, what do I have really? I know, people always say there are no guarantees in love and relationships, and yes, he might have stuck around for much longer anyway, but still.. I believe in taking firm decisions and (trying as much as humanly possible) sticking to these. Plus, of course, there is the Spirit that backs us in our (godly) decisions.. but decide one must! At this point I realized that it was all really just an infatuation and the sooner I cut off certain ties, the better for me. I had gone through such an intense emotional roller-coaster, I longed to be free; yes, from my own emotions. I felt so emotionally drained, I had nothing more to give.. and in all honesty, I just didn’t feel like giving any more.
1. One Page At A Time
Yes, this is definitely my favourite. Simply because I knew that as much as I wanted to be loved, appreciated and cherished by a particular person, you cannot force these things. The more you try to get a particular person to love you a particular way, the more he’ll resist and resent you particularly.
I realized that I was trying to force something that wasn’t natural. And hey, if it’s not natural.. why want it? No one wants what’s fake, we all go for the originals. Same with love. We want the love we receive to be natural, authentic, an original! And so, when I decided to let go, I had to encourage myself with these words.. There was someone out there who would see me, want to know me, eventually get to love me, and suddenly want to put his tag on me!
Alright, so this is MY TOP 5! Note the day these posts were published: my countdown might seem chronological.. it is not.
Anyway, if you’ve been following my blog for a while and keep coming back, I believe it is because you have found inspiration or encouragement somewhere between these posts/lines.
What’s your favourite post and why? Care to share..