Segs: Well, don’t you think it’s a bit too late for that now?
Me: Too late? No, it’s never too late..
And as I wrote that, I was forced to take out time to ponder upon our ongoing Whatsapp-conversation.
Frankly speaking, this is really not what I took time out for (season of separation), but as it happened just a few nights ago, I’ve decided to share anyway.
After having caught up and exchanged the necessary pleasantries, our conversation went something like this..
Me: I’ve tried though.. over four years.
Segs: Good for you, and how is that working out?
Me: Okay, I guess.. most of the times I’m cool, but when it hits me, it hits me badly and I just suffer 😥
Segs: Eyah.. but why though?
Me: Why what?
Segs: Really, what’s the point? I personally believe sex is relaxing.. So why deprive yourself?
Me: Well, it sure can be very relaxing; but it is so much more than just physical.
Segs: If you say so.. but why suffer? To what aim?
Me: Well, I’m keeping myself.
Segs: Keeping yourself? Don’t you think it’s a bit too late for that now?
Me: Too late? Why? ‘Cause I’m no more a V?
Segs: Yes, exactly.. because you’re no more a virgin.
Me: No, it’s never too late; after-all not just virgins “keep themselves”
Segs: Well, I just think there’s no point really since you’ve done it..
Me: I might carry on doing it? Just because I’ve done something before doesn’t mean I have to go on doing it forever.
Segs: But what are you hoping to achieve?
Me: Well, for one.. I have taken a stand, and I hope to firmly stick to my decision. I took it for important reasons. Also, it is a matter of self-control. Just because I lost it once, doesn’t mean I cannot get it back.
Segs: There is no way you will ever get your virginity back.
Me: Who said anything about me getting my virginity back? I do not hope or wish or dream to be a virgin again. I am exercising self-control.
Segs: Okay, my bad.
Me: It’s a personal decision anyway. Those who wish to have sex, should.. and those who have decided not to, should not. Simple..
Segs: Okay o. Anyway I think it’s pretty useless still..
..and we moved on to other issues. Well, we did.. and then, after all was said and done (not literally, and certainly not sexually) I went back to ponder upon this..
The first time I heard “Now you’re not a virgin anymore anyway, so please.. relax. What’s all that?” was right after I was disvirgined.. and I think it fair to say that well over 80% of all guys who ever got or tried to get the cookie fed me the same line.. over and over.. until I eventually swallowed it.
Funny thing was, then I thought what he/they said made perfect sense; I was no virgin, so what’s the point? Why play hard to get now? Would it still make a difference? Certainly not, or..?
And so I let him in.. them.. number X, Y, Z.. until I had to ask myself “Does that really mean I can never say NO again? Do I really have to agree? To all of them? Hmmm… that makes no sense.”
I battled with this for a very long time, especially as I hated hearing “Oh, so you think you are too good for me abi?” and I didn’t want to come off as being arrogant; or listening to statements like, “Oh, so you think you’re the only Christian, huh? Let me tell you, you don’t even know anything about God..”
I really thought it had to be me, seeing as they all used the same lines.. “Relax jor!”,”Come on, you’re not a virgin anyway” or everyone’s favourite, “Only the tip, I promise.”
Surely they could not all have read the same manual on sex and winning a girl over? Surely this had to be how things were done..
Talk about cheap psychology.. it worked! Naive, gullible, and scared to offend.
There was a still small voice that taught me better, and a healthy dose of common sense that told me I had the right to either grant, deny or even withdraw permissions into my physical body; but still.. there was insecurity. A whole lot of it. And there was confusion. Yes, quite a bit of that too. But most significantly: there was fear!
Even if I stopped now.. what if they were right and it really was too late? What if I stopped and after a long time “fell into it again”.. wouldn’t that be even more shameful? Or, worst of all, now that I’ve allowed so many guys access, would any decent guy still want me? What if “being without my man” was the punishment or fate I would have to endure for having been so wayward?
I had to get rid of all these deceptions I had been fed and be renewed in my thinking, my mind. As a Christian I naturally allowed the Lord to heal me: I accepted His forgiveness, extended it to others, and eventually forgave myself too. And when I did it.. it was not too late!
Chances are that (seeing as you are reading this and must hence still be alive) it is not too late for you either. It is never too late!
I’ve met dozens of women who had lived the “bad life” too but have taken a turning: either to/wards the Lord or simply away from their previous life(style); and men who’ve done likewise.
However, I have come across even more who feel trapped..still! Who feel they simply cannot stop or change their way(s), who do not feel there is a need to, or do not believe they can or should or need to be renewed in their thinking. Most of these ones too do not believe it is possible to be in a committed relationship that remains free of sexual intercourse until the knot has been tied, and who have so been blinded by sex, even the thought of not getting it causes real physical pain. I was once them.
I met one of my Ex’s earlier this year and when asked, told him I’d been single for a number of years. When asked about my sex-life, I told him that that was non-existent too, upon which he literally broke down crying and laughing. I didn’t know whether to laugh or be upset about his totally over-board reaction.
Me: Please, how’s that funny?
Sam: Come on now.. do you think I’m stupid?
Me: What do you mean? I’m serious.. it’s been that long.
Sam (looking at me confused): Wait, are you being for real?
Me: Yes! Gosh..
Sam: You? You couldn’t even stay without it for a week then..
Me: That’s so not true.
Sam: No, really. You were a freak. You are! I find it difficult to believe.
Me: Oh well, it’s true..
Sam: Wow.. you’ve tried. You must feel like a virgin again. I’ve missed you, you know..
Of course he would have.. *rolling my eyes* but I left with a bright smile. I don’t really remember myself as a freak, although I know I have the tendencies.. sometimes I pray the Lord cleanses my mind and my heart and my imaginations and my dreams, lest my husband finds me too “wild”, but I hardly ever think back and remember the “freaky old me”.
However, what I do remember is a time when it was difficult for me to look at myself Naked & Unashamed. There is a sense of security and wholeness that comes from sexual abstinence and purity. A sense of completion and welI-being that no man, person, or relationship could offer me. A sense of having mastered my emotions and urges, and exercising self-control. A sense of this sacrifice and pain would be worth the gain. An assurance that doing the right thing (living in obedience to His will, word and way) is the right thing to do, and that there are certain blessings (inner peace and joy, alongside many other things) that come with it. Sometimes I struggle, sometimes it’s extremely difficult, but at all times I remind myself of the fact “You’ve come too far to give up/in now!”
I’ve said all this, to say the following: Sex is a beautiful thing, it is a gift; but it is always most enjoyed when done (like every other thing in life) the right way! It took me a while but when I finally decided to do the right thing, it was not too late for me.. and it is not too late for you! The right time to do the right thing is always NOW.