I want to believe I looked beautiful.. even covered in tears. I pulled the blanket over my head as I examined those seated to my left and to my right. No, I would not have them look at me, ask me questions, laugh at me. I just needed some ME-time.
I hate sitting in the middle, that’s why I never do! I usually reserve my seat online.. 24 hours prior to departure. But this time I didn’t, I couldn’t.. and so I was land-locked, constricted by two men who – not caring much about leaving me enough space- spread their legs freely and enjoyed their sleep; we had another 6 hours to go.
So, there I was, seat 11B, glad to have gotten a seat at all (why they put me on “Standby” I will never understand), but at the same time wishing I could just change a few things: about my row and seat, my life, my non-existent job, my relationship status.. and I pulled the blanket even closer. No one should ask me why I was crying. I looked around suspiciously.. no one really cared.
I think this is what they call emotional breakdown; as I was feeling emotional, and more or less literally broke down crying. When I say literally, it really does not mean much. And when I say broke down it really just means there were actual real tears; but I am not lying when I say it was the lowest I had felt in ages. The fact that I was a few thousand miles above sea level did not make a difference to how I felt. *sob*
Two weeks in Nigeria and nothing to write home about! Don’t get me wrong, I had the most awesome time! But the one thing I was hoping to “write home about” did not happen.
When I told my sister about how low and lonely I felt, she told me to read Psalm 23. Needless to say, I fainted, died, went to heaven, and came back. Read Psalm 23? Unsure of whether to laugh or cry, I simply did both. What else was there to do? Actually go and read the Psalm? Le sigh.. I felt insulted.
You see, I am a Christian- believe it or not. And I believe in the power of The Word.. but come on!!! God, please don’t be upset, but I really did not think reading the Psalm was what I needed. As a matter of fact, I’m actually more than 100% sure both The Almighty and all the angels rolled their eyes and laughed out loud at my sister’s “advice”. Surely this is what they call mockery.
Just a few days later, a friend of mine (now with a man and two beautiful kids) told me to enjoy being single! While I believe there are many things to enjoy while being single, there comes a time in everyone’s life when the desire to collide is very strong (in both sexual ways and none); and so I could not appreciate her advice. One of those things all married people say. Arggggh.. I had to ask back: “If being single is so great, why did you not remain in that state? Huh? I remember the days you too were single and moaning and complaining. Now you are married, have two kids, update your status about how great it is to be someone’s and have some-two; and yet you’re telling me to enjoy being single? Sorry but nah.. return to singleness yourself and I might just listen..” I scoffed, she laughed.. “You’re right sha!”
And then, picking myself up and encouraging myself in the Lord, I looked myself in the mirror and told myself I was as beautiful as ever. The fact that I had not been admired by a reasonable somebody (judge me if you like) in a while had begun to affect my confidence and self-esteem in a very subtle, yet persistent way. Not that I felt ugly or unattractive, never that, just that I was beginning to feel that maybe I’m the only one who saw just how awesome and wonderful a person I was. A narcissist? Please.. Laugh if you like (pfffft!) but I was feeling alone and lonely..
And then it hit me. A word had been coming to me for well over a year: “You need no man!” I did not know where exactly to place the emphasis. Was it on “need“, telling me that my desire was more of a longing, than a sincere need? Or was it the “man“; telling me I needed no man, but perhaps a woman? Certainly not.. So, could it have been the “you“; trying to help me see that I was not the one in need of another, but he in need of me? Well, whatever or wherever the emphasis needed to be placed, bottom-line was that I needed to understand that I needed no man.
Although no man is an island, there are times and seasons for all things. A time to be alone, a time to be with others, and a time to be with “the one”.
Singleness- although not my preferred relationship status (I am a hopefull Victorian romantic)- is good for many things. At the very least it is good for building up a healthy level of self-confidence. A confidence that does not matter on what I have or lack, but Whom I serve.
Singleness- contrary to many of the advice, both solicited and unsolicited people have chosen to give me- is good for many things. Yes, it is good for finding oneself, planning for the future, doing all those things you cannot do when you are married (whatever that may be; don’t ask me..); and focusing on the Lord.
But I also found that all of these things could well be achieved in a love relationship too. I have come to believe that, while I used to value individuality and independence extremely, I have come to place much greater value and importance on being transformed and changed: duality, interdependence, harmony, relationships. You do not find any of these things in the state of being all-one. Even the Lord says.. “It is not good for man to be all-one, I will make him a help meet”.. We all know the rest.
And so, knowing that the one I will one day, eventually, hopefully, by His grace, be joined to already exists, I decided that my singleness would be good for making Hubby Notes!
Now, whenever the need arises to speak to “the one” who is not yet here, I take my phone (one of very few things the BB is actually good for) and record a note. They often take the form of diary entries, although I really do not wish to bore him with trivialities.
Sometimes I laugh and narrate funny events that took place during the day; or I moan and complain about my struggle to remain sexually pure. Sometimes I just cry and tell him I miss him and can’t wait to finally meet him; while at other times I tell him about random guys I’ve met, reassuring him of the fact that “I am only waiting for you.”
Whatever it is I tell him, it helps!
So, to all the single ladies out there, you are not alone. Sometimes we act like we don’t mind waiting; sometimes we date around hoping to eventually meet “the one”, or listen to advice such as my sister’s, and read Psalm 23. Whatever it is you choose to do while you wait on him, do not neglect yourself! Live, laugh, and do whatever helps while you wait. Even if it’s just leaving him some notes.. Let your singleness be good for something!