I don’t know why I feel the need to share this, but I do; and so I shall.. This post might absolutely or again not at all have a point; but that hardly matters.
Head > Heart or Heart > Head?
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Love is a funny thing, you know. I’m sure you agree. I’m fond of saying I’ve never really been in love; although I am not sure how sincere that statement is. I’ve never really been with someone I loved, but I sure have been with people I liked a lot and cared for a great deal. And then, there were/are those I liked and who liked me, but we mutually decided we’d rather not be. Why not, you ask me? Well, let’s see..
Today, I shall talk about one: Boogey.
I wouldn’t necessarily say we made the perfect couple.. but I know his friends would. “First wife” they’d call me whenever they saw me. They still do today, roughly 6 years on: Yinka, first iyawo.
Boogey is an extremely lovely, yet super-annoying human being, you see. He likes to call his problem “selfishness and self-centeredness” and I’m afraid I too wouldn’t call it anything else. He is an extremely selfish human being; caring so much about his feelings, his moods, his actions, his decisions, his fun, his enjoyment, his amusement. Now, all this is fair and good, and it would be alright if other(s) things followed. But no, there really is only one thing he cares about: himself. He stands both at the centre and at the periphery of his entire life. It’s all about Boogey. And then, just once in a while, out of nowhere comes his uncontrollable passion. Emotions as forceful and dangerous as a tornado; a passion that burns like fire.. and then, just as suddenly, after having done quite a bit of harm and having often caused irrevocable destruction, recedes. I feel ambivalent about the fact that I both love and respect him for his willingness to see and admit to all this; while at the same time feeling sorry for him. What a way to live? Am I as twisted as him? I might be, at times; we share more than just a few similarities; I’m just much better balanced.
“I’m not like you. I know I am a very selfish person, Yinka. You know that too.” It was probably the most honest statement he’s ever made.
He struggles with his inability to be dependable and reliable; a person one can call upon when in need; a person one can talk to when concerned; a person who gives meaningful heartfelt advice. He struggles with being left-handed; with being a Gemini. He struggles with almost everything about his own persona; and because of this internal struggle, he struggles externally to- with the single wish of being understood and being accepted.
A person so full of ideas and creativity, he throws in the towel not as soon as something better appears, but as soon as something else (be it good or bad, valuable or useless, new or old, real or imaginary) catches his attention. An advert, a jacket, a phone call, a word, a woman, a buttocks, an event. He is as changeable as the tides, and he fears this very thing.
And I guess this is the very reason why we are still good friends today: I understand him.
I can’t say he understands me, though, and this makes me sad. Not that I fear he might not, but the reality that I do not even know whether he does or not. I don’t know whether the love we have for each other is an extremely shallow or extremely deep one. I am not sure I want to know.
When we are together, it is as though we never were apart. Last night was one such day/night. We sat at a bar, celebrating a “friend’s” birthday; talking and joking, laughing and smiling at each other. At times he would get up and dance with some friends, while I would sit, watch, talk with others. My idea of a nice evening out, boring-me, I know. Oh well. It works (very) well for me. For us. I don’t need much attention. I am perfectly fine entertaining myself; either getting to know people or just feeding my eyes. And he knows that. That’s why we work well together: he knows I don’t need him to “check on me”; and because I don’t need him to, he does it anyway.
He hates being caged. I hate this feeling too; and so we give each other room. The freedom and liberty to be oneself. I just don’t need as much of it as he.
Today, again, he asked me, “So, would you take me again?” and I laughed it off. “I love you sha.. but me and you again? We’re good friends. It’s been too long jare. Let’s leave it like this.” and he would, as usually, reply “Ah, that one doesn’t matter now.” But we’d leave it at that anyway and move on to other things. It’s been like this for years now. A constant talking, and falling out, coming together and loving each other afresh. In spite of the years; the love and chemistry, that desire and possibility.. it does not go away. We were always as much friends as we were lovers.
And so I had to ask myself the harsh question: Why not? Honestly..
I love his personality. I love that he is so unstable. I know it might sound a bit perverse but I love his changing nature; his dual personality. I am flexible, I work well with change; even sudden change. I love being faced with unexpected challenges and having to suddenly adapt. One thing, however, I cannot deal with is abandonment. I’d rather reject than be rejected. I know, I’m stating the obvious here. But that very thing I so much love about him, is the very thing that won’t allow me to commit: his unpredictability. He has the tendency to be here today and gone tomorrow. I cannot take that risk in a relationship. Loosing someone I love over nothing. And when I say nothing, I literally mean nothing. I have seen him break up with a girl because she hadn’t spoken to him for a week, was genuinely worried, and kept calling his phone. I’ve seen him enter a relationship under false pretence, “I am married but I’m still sorting out my wife’s visa; she’s in Nigeria. Once we’ve sorted it out, she’ll be joining me here and then all this would have to stop.” and I have seen girls agreeing to just this “arrangement”. Now, of course there was no wife in any Nigeria or any other country; he just needed to make sure breaking things off would be as drama- and stress-free as possible. Boogey is fine, but he’s not the finest. He is very smart, yet not the smartest (and I strongly do believe he does not use juju to catch these women); he is simply a ladies’ man. And so they say Yes.
Still asking myself why not, I come up with a 100+1 reasons why we should not be. But then I look at him, and smile, and feel at home. I feel like this is where I want to be, where I ought to be. There are no insecurities when I’m with him; I loose all self-consciousness in his presence. There is no don’t-do-this or don’t-touch-that. Well, of course we don’t “do” or “touch” but point is: we are extremely comfortable with each other. There is no one else with whom I’ve ever been that physically, emotionally and mentally comfortable with. He offers much unspoken comfort, in a weird-kind-of way.
But I fear many things..
I fear that he is not the only one I have felt this strongly for before. Although these feelings seem very real to me and I have not yet felt more, I have felt along similar lines, heights, in different but still true ways. Probably not more than twice, but similarly still. Could there be something more? Would it be advisable to hope for it? Perhaps wait for it? Could there be yet another kind of love arising that eliminates all my worries and fears? Love from a person who would not just love me, but respect and cherish me too? A love that is not just mutual but indeed fruitful, ever increasing, and transforming? A love that brings out the best in both of us and can in, by, and of itself manage to help us move away from those natural weaknesses we have come to embrace as “personality traits” and shape us into a better (true) image of self?
I don’t know.. You see, I told you this post might or might not have a point. I think I’d be happy. Very happy. There’d never be a dull moment. Never a sad face for too long. But I’d be happy because this is who I am. I’d be happy because I’d choose to play along, have fun. In all this, he’d never put me first. I’d never be his number one. That spot is eternally reserved for himself. So yes, I understand him; but the true question is, can I accept that?
No matter how lovely and attractive one is, selfishness takes away from the whole. I don’t need to be number one. There’s enough room for two. Guess, what I’m really trying to say is that I’d rather be wife to someone who actually put us and not himself first.