I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I really don’t know. I just know there is something wrong. How desperately I wished I knew what it was.. and what to do about it. how to get over it.. How to get over me.
Why can’t I just be normal?!?
Don’t ask me what “normal” is.. I have no idea.. I just know I’m not. I just know there’s something wrong with me. Seriously wrong!
I like him. I do. I did. I don’t know. I do. But I don’t trust my emotions. I can’t, for they alyways play tricks on me. They do all the time. Well, obviously not all the time; but they do at times. And when they do, they play their cards well. And so I am left, here, hanging, confused.
I like him and so, because I did not want to say much last night, I decided to sleep early.
And I’m not ill. Physically I am okay, on all levels. But emotionally? My heart aches. It’s way too early to feel this way. Funny thing is, it made me upset. Why would he make me feel this way? What exactly is his problem? Very much like the emotions that arise when I look at a photograph by Xavier Rey. Or the feelings that are stirred when I listen to Xavier Naidoo.. he makes me feel a certain way. I don’t know. I just don’t like it. I really don’t.
Maybe I’ll name my first son Xavier..?
He makes me wander.. wonder.. drift.. imagine. Beautiful things. And yet, in all my imagining, he is busy working.
I really don’t know. There is no point to this post really. Someone told me to chill. Just chill. Be calm. Relax. I’ve tried. I really have no idea how to chill. What does it mean, really? I’m not going to call, I’m not going to write. Heck, I’m not even going to see him (soon).. I think. I don’t know how to play games. All I know is how to be me. And that’s just the problem.. being me isn’t helping. At least being this me isn’t.
I just wish I was normal..