I love this life!
Not just mine.. but life in general.
The concept, its reality.
I wouldn’t wish it any differently.
There is something about times and seasons, you know.
Something about experiencing pain and seeing its gain. With all the tears and hurt and cries and fears, it does bring a lot of pleasure. If only we allow life teach us.
You see (and yes, I believe you have seen thus far) I am a firm believer of allowing life teach you lessons. You need to learn! Constantly! They are to show you His finger, His hand, His face. Through trials and seasons, ups and downs, there is something new to find; to find in Him, to find out about Him.
He wants to be found.
And in order for you to successfully find Him, He constantly presents us with opportunities to let Him be God and do what He does best.. be God.
What exactly am I talking about, you wonder?
Well, just a couple of days ago I started talking to this one person. Well, yes, I kinda like/d him a lot. And although we did not talk all the time, I started getting rather addicted to talking to him, thinking about him, wanting to see him. Well, the desires of the flesh..
And so, my last three nights were rather turbulent. Sleepless. Restless!
You know how dramatic I can be at times. Most of it is pure jokes, really.. but then, just once in a while, even I cannot tell when or where to draw the line. Am I exaggerating my own feelings or am I really feeling to this extent? Is it really that bad? Am I really that weird? Surely not.
More emotional types handle such issues much better. They handle them with, well, maybe not simplicity, but with a sense of pride. I feel, therefore I am. Sorry. I have no such pride. I have little pride to start with; but in matters of my tiny little innocent heart, I have even less. Powerful emotions overwhelm me. I stop playing cool! The simple truth is: I cannot deal with them; they crush me. And while I am mentally aware of the fact that I am lord over them; should they hit me hard, I feel totally enslaved!
I do not feel deeply often; and so, when I eventually do, my world scatters.
In just a few days my world changed, completely. Well, I might be exaggerating just a tad but it did change significantly.
And then.. just a few days later, it all seems as though it was going to crash. Fall apart, and destroy you in the process. A return to “normality” they call it. A return to how life was before he came to “rock your world”. Nothing dramatic or life-altering to change what you’ve been feeling or doing; no, just a return to how things were..
But who wants normal? Give me love!
All in just a few days..
Feelings of rejection, dejection, confusion.. So, what was it all about? Why come, rock my world, and disappear? Why spend so much time communicating, just to turn your back on me.. for no apparent reason. Why? Was he distracted? Wait, have I been the distraction?
All this happening in just a few days..?
And so, as I stood praying, the Lord showed me something that brought me to tears.
In just a few days..
I had shifted all my focus and desire from being His to being his.
In just a few days, He had been replaced, and it hurt. And all of a sudden it hurt me too.
It hurt that I had hurt Him this much. Not because I felt i should have known better, but because my heart had actually literally and physically ached for him. Yes, for him, not Him. Someone I barely knew. And it dawned on me.. the pain I must have caused Him. Replacing a relationship of many a years, with a “newly found love”. Tossing it all aside for some momentary pleasure.
All in just a few days.
I guess that’s why I’m still single. I have still not learnt to chill. This might be a prayer-request, I don’t know. All this love, all this passion needs a release.
Until I know how..