Threesomes in Marriages

The games girls play.

I wanted to talk to him. Of course I did. But beyond that, I wanted him to desperately want to talk to me. He had sent a message and I had read it, but I wasn’t going to reply.. not yet anyway.

But then again, I didn’t want him to think I was too occupied either. I wasn’t ; and I wanted him to know. You see, I needed him to know I was on my BB, chatting, had read his message, but could not be bothered to reply. Not bothered at all..

And so, I was going to wait for him to send me another message, as he had done before, asking  why I would ignore him. But he didn’t. Impatiently waiting, I simply decided to “use style” to remind him of the fact that I hadn’t replied.. I would send out a broadcast! After all, it really had been a while since I had written an “interactive post”. Plus, what better way to get started on a controversial topic; right?

Well, wrong! He too could not be bothered to respond to it. And so, I was left with the opinions of many, when all I wanted was one’s on..

“What’s hot and what’s not?”

I’m a bit of an experimentalist. I simply cannot but try different things. I enjoy the unknown and the pleasures (or pain) they hold. I would (naturally) do most things. Simply for the sake of having experimented. What’s life without the thrill? I’ve always been like that. I choose to try whatever catches my fancy. I don’t try it all, but I make sure to try just about enough. Cities, countries, continents. Peoples. Food. I like variety. I used to anyway. It is often easier to say No than it is to say Yes. Don’t give me easy. Give me a challenge, and I will take it, gladly. You see, most times I really must force myself to not do certain things. To draw the line. To do what’s permissible and right, rather than what I feel like..

And so, in my quest of finding out just that, or to help those who are less bold in voicing their opinions or asking “unholy” questions, I have decided to step in and be of service to them all, by asking some friends on my BB,

Threesomes in a marriage? The Bible talks about “the marriage bed undefiled” but what exactly does that mean? I had a conversation with a friend of mine regarding Do’s and Don’ts within a marriage, and the question came up: “Is there anything a Christian couple shouldn’t engage in, even within the confines of their bedroom?” Are there certain things husband and wife should not or simply could not do? I have no innocent people on my BB and so I’ll be raw: what about sex on her period? A friend of mine told me her husband loved it and she didn’t mind, so why not? Rahhhhh!!! And what about threesomes? Is it okay for a couple to do whatever they like, as long as they are in agreement? All you married people, this is your time to talk o! As usual, all responses will be anonymous. Talk away..

I wasn’t surprised at the amount of responses I got. Sex sells, I guess.. even (or should I say, especially.. for people like me) amongst Christians! First things first, let me share a few opinions. I naturally eliminated repetitive responses..

  • THREESOMES? Hell no! Isn’t that a degree of adultery? Who is that third person interfering with the bond of husband and wife? Sex on period, yea, why not? Some women get extremely horny when they’re on; and hey, if it’s what the husband wants? You have to be creative. You could just do it in the shower, or maybe have a special “period bed sheet” so that you don’t mess up your favourite. Similarly to women having special underwear. There are some you only wear when bleeding.. (#1, female, 27)
  • Well, I don’t accept having sex during her period. According to the Bible, women are considered unclean when menstruating (Lev. 15:19). As for me, no sex during her period! As for threesomes, I could not even do that as a single man; not to talk of being married. So both really is a NO for me. Going to sex clubs, watching pornography, all these things are no-nos! (#2, male, 28)
  • I think the period thing is just wrong, for health-reasons alone. Isn’t it “dirty” blood coming out? So what business does he have pushing it back in? I heard old white people do it though. As for the threesome, no way! Unless they are sex addicts. the marital bed is sacred and really just meant for baby-making, not having uncontrollable fun. Sex toys? Don’t know.. (#3, female, 26)
  • The couple loving period sex; they are just plane nasty!! Toys are okay, they add to the experience. There’s nothing wrong with sex toys. There are times when the guy is done and limp and can’t go any further; times when wife is just as horny as a rose bush; a brother has to supplement stuff! Plus the naughtiness of it. So, yes, toys are a definite yes for me. I wouldn’t mind at all. I love the idea of them, watching her.. However, my don’ts as a Christian: threesomes are a no. Unfortunately. If adultery wasn’t a sin, it would be a great idea, but alas, we are to be satisfied with the breasts of one woman. We all dream of it, guys especially, but what can we do? Another don’t: any fetishes that include blood! No way! (#4, male, 28)
  • Sex on period? Ewwww! The thought alone is killing me. And I’m a freak! About do’s and don’ts, I don’t know.. I’m not married (yet). All I know is that you have to satisfy each other; and if one doesn’t like what the other wants to do, you have to compromise. A threesome in marriage? Don’t know about that. Foreplay, yes. Oral.. I go chop am. Anything else.. don’t know. (#5, male, 27)
  • I’m single, so I have no idea. I guess whatever we did while dating would continue when married really. She’d know of what I liked or didn’t like even before tying the knot, so nothing should change. (#6, male, 31)
  • Marriage is between two people and whatever they decide to do within the confines of their union (sex on her period, ..) is up to them. As long as there is an agreement, it is fine. But involving a third party (threesome, bestiality  etc.) is absolutely wrong and should not be encouraged. We could argue about this from both a moral or religious standpoint. Either way, it would be wrong. I don’t condone or encourage people to chase their inner demons. (#7, male, 32)
  • Well, while having sex during her period definitely sounds disturbing, I believe whatever a couple does in their bedroom is largely their business; as long as it doesn’t violate God’s law or disturb one or both partner’s conscience. Threesomes and pornography definitely fall into the anti-God category because it’s basically prostitution. That being said, there has to be honesty and openness between a couple so that they can teach each other their desires without fear of being judged or condemned. One man’s meat is another man’s poison. (#8, male, 31)
  • Threesomes? No. Sex on period? No way! Although, I know some people do it, with protection though. Porn, no. Sex toys, yes. What is also important for me to know is what she’s done with other guys. I know women. I don’t want it popping up later on somehow. Whatever men can do, women have already done at least twice. I want to know because there are so many temptations outside the bedroom! (#9, male, 29)
  • I think you can do whatever you like with your husband, so long it doesn’t defile you. What defiles you? Whatever judges your conscience. If an act sits right with you, it is no defilement. That’s how I see it. Whatever that may be. Apart from a threesome though. That third person is not your partner so you all would be committing adultery. As long as your actions sit right with you and only involve you two, I think it is fine. As for anal, I think that’s a sin. I’m speaking for a medical point of view as well, because it can cause fecal incontinence. But oh well, unto each his own. (#10, female, 26)
  • An important criteria here is exclusivity! The act of sex is ordained by God only between a man and his wife. Once other parties join either or both on the marriage bed, it becomes defiled. This doesn’t only mean threesomes per se; it also includes fantasizing about others while in bed with your spouse, re-enacting such scenes, or having someone watch you and your spouse having sex (voyeurism). Another keyword here is “degradation”. Sex was designed by God to strengthen the bond between a husband and his wife, for pleasure and for procreation. Once a sexual act, even when between husband and wife, involves activities that are degrading or painful to one or both or can case injuries, it becomes defilement. For instance, if wife A finds anal sex hurtful but husband A likes it, it becomes defilement in their case. But if wife B enjoys is, just as husband B does, it is perfectly acceptable. Some people are more adventurous and want to try it all out, at least once. As long as there’s agreement and no violation of the aforementioned, it is okay. Plus, a couple can always decide to stop/start a certain activity. It just becomes detrimental where or when it starts posing health risks. (#11, male, 27)
  • While fornication is simply sex between two unmarried people, adultery is sex involving at least one person being married. What a lot of people don’t know, however, is that both stem from the Greek word “porno” from which we also get “pronography”. “Porno” really just means “bending over” or “forsaking God for idols”. So, in whatever way you might be “bending over”, you are defiling your marital bed.I don’t really have all the answers as to what that is, or what “pure sex” looks like. For instance, a threesome is a NO, but I see nothing wrong with having sex while on my period. Well, anyway, for me the furthest I am willing to explore is sex toys, and maybe a bit of soft bondage. Hehe.. (#12, female, 27)

I’ve had a couple of fantasies that I know I’ll (unfortunately) never get to live out. Not because I am scared of the pleasures I might find in them and worry I’d struggle to give them up having indulged (the Pringles-effect), but because I simply know it would be wrong. Yes, you see, there really is such a thing as right and wrong.

Living in Nigeria really is like being part of a grand Nollywood movie, including all its special effects. People ask me whether it is the way I imagined or thought/ dreaded it would be, well.. it is exactly as expected: A Nollywood production, with all its comical moments and irritating people. It changes the norm. The norm you’re used to.

A couple of weeks ago a (married) friend and I went out. He only gets to go out about once every 200 years and so he was bent on making the best of the night. I should have told him I wouldn’t be any good. All I really do is look around, and smile, while once in a while taking a sip from one cocktail that (unless you forced me otherwise) could well last the entire night, literally. Anyway, so we went to this one place (sorry, to protect my own reputation I shall not say more) and he introduced me to an old friend of his..and his girlfriend of four years. Lovely lady. Upon leaving, I complimented him for his lovely wife, and was firmly corrected, “Not wife, girlfriend!” Okay!
Upon entering the car, my friend explain, “He’s been married for six years, you know. And he’s been with her for four now. This is a serious relationship. I don’t get it. And I’m sure the wife knows. As in, it’s not like they are shy or secretive about it..”
What followed was a long and heated conversation about “the state of Nigerian marriages”.

That third person in the bed.

I found it funny, reading responses, as about three of the people who said “threesomes? no way!” were married individuals who have (personally confessed to me to having) cheated. See, I am not judging you, don’t get me wrong (you can do that all by yourself) but it does make me wonder. It makes me think. So it is defilement to have a third person ON the bed while your partner is there, but when s/he isn’t it’s okay?
Another person added, “See, it’s not cheating if your heart is not in it or if you know it really is just about the sex. It only becomes dangerous when you are not sure about where your priorities lie anymore. Yinka, this is Nigeria. You need to change your mindset. Your European standards. You people are too strict about these things. You need to chill.”

Another friend of mine opened up about an ex-girlfriend who had (at the age of 12 or there-about) continuously been molested/ raped by her uncle. Upon opening up to her parents, she had been scolded and told to keep her dirty lying mouth shut. Yes, rather typical. What he told me thereafter, however, was shocking: after having opened up to him, he could no longer touch her. He didn’t like the thought of her uncle’s hands on her. The fact that she still struggled with her self-image. The fact that it affected him. Unknown to her, he blamed her for “having let her uncle into their bedroom”. He found it difficult to get rid of that third person in his head, and so he had to get rid of her..

Yet another friend of mine opened up about her struggle with her husband. With all his confidence, boldness and achievements, he still longed and indeed craved for much of his mother’s loving attention and affection. He hadn’t learnt to stand up for the family, take decisions, be the leader. It often seemed as though he was married to his mother, rather than her; and so what happened was that she started feeling like a mistress, as though he was having an affair with her. He had let his mother into their bed..

And so, what I found, was that there were generally way too many broken unions. Be it a split caused by a literal threesome, or one were the place of that third person was filled by a controlling mother, a power and influential father, demanding friends or members of one’s family, set goals and aspirations, or yes, I’m going to say it, even one’s children, there is a need for mending broken fences.. with your spouse!

I’m a lover of love. I’m sure I can tell. And one thing the Lord keeps reminding me of, is the fact that “he would have been worth all the pain”. A pain that can be quantified and qualified.. whatever that might have been and still is today, he would have been worth it. With this understanding, I hope to put in whatever work and effort it will take (for yes, it will indeed take very much of it) to make sure that union not just stands, but continuously grows and strengthens. No room for a third person, ever. That’s the beauty of having been made one, everything and every one else is an extra. Not a need, not a necessity, not a constant.. but an extra one can do away with; and should it threaten the union, must be done away with.

Defilement can simply be defined as a “pollution”. Today, decide to clear the air. Start afresh. Keep that marriage(bed) clean! Literally and metaphorically. 

10 Comments Add yours

  1. To says:

    had to crack up at Commenter #7
    Bestiality.. inner demons LOL

  2. To says:

    I agree tho’, sex on period sounds nasty yo

  3. Kerry says:

    Hmmmm… very interesting

  4. Kerry says:

    Most men have mistresses here, it has become very acceptable almost to everyone. I guess that is why I don’t really believe in marriage anymore. What’s the point of it when there is no faithfulness of honesty anymore? The worst is that many women are just as bad as men. There is no trust, and very little love. It’s not like in the olden days

    1. To says:

      I agree. Back in those days roles were different and they were more or less defined. Today the husband works and cooks, the wife cooks and works. It is not in those days where man had a role to play and was respected for it, and vice versa. I think that also affects the way males and females relate. It has made things complicated. Men acting like women, women acting like men. No wonder everyone cheats.. they feel cheated!

      1. DeMorrieaux says:

        I totally agree! Roles have changed, and this is causing a lot of confusion!
        This was going to be my next post. Well, it still shall be! 🙂

    2. DeMorrieaux says:

      Maybe not generally.. But it can be SPECIFICALLY for you and me (not literally, obviously) when we choose to REset the standard.

  5. I laughed when I read #3 female’s comment about sex in marriage being for having kids only. That’s a terrible mindset.
    I think I agree with #11 male for the most part.

    I was reading something earlier today about what really defines cheating in a relationship.

    I see your point about threesomes. I never really thought about it that away. Makes a lot of sense

    1. DeMorrieaux says:

      Lol! It made me laugh to.. people need to be educated.. *sigh*

  6. Oochay says:

    Wow! Really?! Well, I don’t think there’s anything that can shock me…lol I sigh when I look around and see the sad state of marriages in the society. Being married almost seems like a ‘social status’.
    On to the topic of discussion…hmmm! Though I’d personally not have sex during my periods I guess some couples do and I don’t think it that absurd. And threesomes (or anything that involves another person)…c’mon, do all that experimenting before you get hitched! Apart from that, as a couple, feel free to explore each other’s sexuality.

feel free to say something..

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