It must have been about two weeks ago I put our picture up on BB. “Our” picture being a picture of both of us. A silly one. I loved it, totally.
Having skipped through some old picture(file)s on my phone, I didn’t think it much of a deal when I decided “we” would be my next profile picture. That is, until the comments started rolling in.
“Oh, you know this guy?”
“Yes, we used to be very close.”
“Hmmmm.. Your ex?”
“No. Just a wonderful friend.”
And as that conversation ended, thoughts and memories and emotions started coming back.
I didn’t realize for how long I’d been crying, until my head and heart started aching.
The loss of a friend?
And so, I sent him a message. Not saying much, not asking about anything but his well-being. It’s been a while and I still missed him. Us. The laughter, the jokes. The moments. Our moments.
“I know you’ve been busy, I just hope you’re okay.”
It’s been six years since we saw last. And so, all I had and immersed myself in were sweet memories of yester-years. How I loved him.
The night before I flew back to Vienna, last Thursday that is, a friend and I decided we’d find somewhere in VGC to go and have a snack at, before heading back home. And well, for those of you who know, that naturally meant going to Slick’s.
Upon walking in, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Really? Like, seriously!?
It’s difficult to explain or narrate what went on through and in me at that very moment.
I drew closer; not caring about how strange and confused and weird I must have looked, I wasn’t sure I saw right. And so, all I could do was slowly walk up to him and the girl seated beside him.
I stood and stared. It must have been an entire minute.
He looked and stared back. Disinterested..?
He looked and looked again, and smiled, “Huh? Vicky? What are you doing here?”
All excited, I was about to give him a natural Pinkus-style welcome (which would have started with a vivid description of just how much his absent has hurt me and would have ended with the overflow of positive emotions I felt at seeing him again), but I braced myself.
For he simply smiled.
A smile that started and ended with his lips. There was no light in his eyes.
And so I decided to simply smile back.
Apparently, things were different now.
I acknowledged the lady seated beside him and excused myself. It was time to move on. Literally and emotionally.
Walking back to my seat, I sat silently for a while. Shocked.
I know a multitude of people, but I only have a handful of friends. You see, I don’t use the word “friend” nor the term “friendship” loosely. And so, when I’ve realized I’ve found a friend, I totally commit. Perhaps a bit too much; perhaps with all I am and with most of what I have.
However, I have also had to learn that some- and indeed most- relationships are not “till death us do part”. I guess that’s what makes the marriage covenant unique, special.
I’ve never really had a “best friend”, I’ve always only had close friends. Sometimes you’re very close (in heart and proximity), at other times less. I’ve accepted that is an important part and perhaps even a necessity of life.
And yet, when such friendships “evaporate” it still hurts.
For a while..
I guess that’s what I have just recently learnt. Sometimes you’re so used to having someone in your life, doing something routinely, that you feel this is all there is to life, to you. The thought of the person (ever) leaving scares you. You avoid it. You fight it.
But: by not holding on to what you’ve been used to, you inadvertently make room for something new.
Just two nights ago I listened to some of Matthew Hussey’s seminars in which (as he does in most) he spoke about relationships and all things related. He stressed the importance of learning how to deal with painful emotions such as rejection.
“Don’t let it scare you. Learn to deal with it, embrace it.” For what often happens is that we become cold. Having been dealt many a hurtful hands, we shut down, emotionally. We shut people out. We building up walls to keep us from experiencing both pleasure and pain. We choose no more to live, but merely exist.
Of recent I’ve made a new friend. I didn’t think he’d be much of one, but he’s indeed proven to be much more..
“I’m glad we’re in each other’s lives.”
You see, the Lord has a way of removing and replacing people.
I guess it’s His very own way of telling us “Your one and only best friend forever am I.”
Sometimes He needs you alone, all to Himself; but at other times, understanding your needs and wants as a human being, He meets them by giving you someone you can laugh and learn and grow with.
And sometimes these people change.