I wouldn’t call it a breakdown per se, but a rather harsh awakening anyway.
Does it ever happen to you? Has it ever?
* * *
I just spent a brief moment praying and a few minutes crying.
How could I have forgotten?
Sometimes you do not realize just how far you’ve strayed until you’ve knelt down and prayed.
A (c)rude awakening.
Sometimes you move around and wander, just to stop and stare as it hits you. You pause and are suddenly aware of the fact that all you’ve been doing was running in circles. Focusing on this, and doing that, but really not making any progress at all.
Often, in the journey of life, we only grow to grasp that all we’ve ever wanted and indeed needed, has always been there. At our fingertips or doorstep. Much like The Alchemist. Endlessly searching for those treasures the Lord knew to cleverly hide within.
I am not one to ask for much. Not of God, and certainly not of man.
Not because I do not want to believe or be disappointed; but because I have come to accept that all things in life- including life itself- are simply borrowed. And, seeings as all things – both the given and the earned- can be taken from you at any point, I have in a weird-kind-of-way, found a pleasant pain in letting go. Nothing I have or hold or earn is truly mine.
But then came the promise.
“I am giving you your own. Your very own. Someone who was worth all the pain.”
I would have been okay. With my pain, and my suffering. My fears and my tears. I would have been, I promise. But then came the promise!
Sometimes I wish it hadn’t. For now all I see is it. All I long for is him.
There’s someone coming.
Sometimes you run in circles, trying to get through life as much as a blessings as you could be. Useful to Him, and giving indeed. But then, you remember His promise. The promise of something more. A promise so strongly imprinted on your heart, you could not possibly let go. A promise that must be redeemed.
And so, as I paused and remembered, I cried. And in those moments of self-pity, I heard His voice. Calming and tender. Words spoken so softly, I could only surrender..
I have not spoken in secret,
In a dark place of the earth;
I did not say to the seed of Jacob,
‘Seek Me in vain’;
I, the Lord, speak righteousness,
I declare things that are right. (Isaiah 45:19)
When your declarations are no more simply professions of what is yet to come, but testimonies and manifestations of that which you have believed and received.
My prayer for you is that you too might find comfort in the fact that God’s still in control. When He gives a promise, understand that it’s for a time. All things are subject to seasons. As Africans we are quick to blame delays and misfortunes on an enemy- be it relative or spirit. We seem to forget that all things, including times and seasons and powers and demons, are subject to Him. We move from faith to fear and seek to find quick solutions by praying and fasting things into existence. God is in control. We often forget that it was He who created good and evil, the blacksmith and the destroyer..
I form the light and create darkness,
I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the Lord, do all these things. (Isa. 45)
“See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc; (Isa 54)
and yet He has promised to keep us save..
no weapon forged against you will prevail.
I guess this is why I love the book of Isaiah so much. It really does reveal the mind and heart of God. His will, His workings, His ways.
May we all find comfort in the fact that in all that was and is and is to come, He is in charge! He can be trusted. He will remain true to His word.
Oh, may our believing indeed become seeing.