Alright, so, just a couple of days ago, a friend and I spoke about our wishes and wants regarding our husbands-to-be and she laughed at my statement. Okay, let me quote myself here just to be very very clear,
I need a connection on three levels:
Spirit- I want us to connect on a spiritual level, when it comes to God, purpose, calling etc. we need to be on the same page.
Soul- I need emotional, intellectual and shallow compatibility. I’m not looking for someone who’s just like me; understanding will do. I want to understand him, and I want him to understand me too. This comes with time and effort, I know, but some things you just don’t struggle with/for.
Body- He must turn me on. From afar. I want to look at him and loose concentration. It’s really not hard to turn me on, so if he can’t do that by simply being (there), then nah..
And she started laughing.. “Vicky, you are sick.”
I thought of that (her reaction, that is, not my statement) for a while and wondered whether there was really something wrong with me. In one of my previous posts I once spoke about my hormones being imbalanced; I guess- in a way- I’ve used it as an excuse to explain certain abnormal things about myself. Things that I can say and do because, as you have often pointed out, I’m simply not like you.
In Nigeria, it is easy to excuse certain actions as being “European” but when these things shock even European friends, where do you go? I smile and giggle internally at many things. If only they knew..
Oh, wait. Please don’t get me wrong. I’ve long moved on from the topic of “sex” and into a neutral domain.
On sunday, I kind-of fell in love. I did for about 17 hours, and then moved on from it. My sister laughed,
“How can you say you’re in love with someone you don’t even know?“
I was just as confused about her question as she was about my feelings,
“Huh? I don’t get you. This is just a feeling now. Obviously, no one is talking about marriage here. Oh, I’d like to marry him sha.“
Her husband was listening, laughing, rolling on the floor. To me, however, this was a very simple case.
He reminds me of a lion. Skin so smooth. His silent confidence.The “I can’t shout” kind that is not arrogant, not proud. His lips, perfectly shaped, remind me of honey. His stature, perfect. Not tall not short. His afro, neatly trimmed. His style, classy and chic.
And as I stood there day-dreaming. I relished the idea of us as an item.. for now, that was, this present moment. It had been long I got excited at the thought of a man. And so, I enjoyed my own excitement.. for a night. By the time they were done laughing, I was done loving. I went to bed with a frown, praying I’d get excited again soon. Or rather, excited about the next time.
Now, this might not be normal. But as short-lived as the excitement was, so was the sadness. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Story for another day..
My point being, I knew and understood my feelings/emotions; even in the midst of the turmoil, storm, whirlwind. In the midst of my one sleepless night and annoyance over the fact that no one apart from Toyin shared my excitement, I knew not to take my feelings too seriously. Now, you might say “Duhhh.. it wasn’t real in the first place, none of it was, it was all in just in your head, a fantasy.” but my question is, then what is real? My struggles, however minute, insignificant or shallow, are real to me. That my heart beat faster was a medical fact, as were the hormones that were released. The fact that I felt butterflies in my tummy when he shyly looked at me and then away (four times!) was as romantic to me as the Lover and His Beloved in Solomon’s Song.
What I realized was that certain things cannot be prayed or asked or fasted away. I am not talking as a heathen now, I am none (I pray). Certain things, challenges, trials, will never just disappear. While you flee from all appearance of evil, you resist some other things. I guess the danger lies in mixing these two up. What I’ve learnt and what I want to share with you, is the importance of knowing and understanding yourself.
Most of the dangers we go through, we do, because we do not know our limits, want to push boundaries, or want to see (or experience) where that of others lie. We are naturally daring.
Either that, or so afraid of going through unpleasant experience, we choose to simply not experience anything at all, or at least as little as possible.
Truth is, there is nothing wrong with getting excited or being excitable. The true question is whether you understand the time and season you’re in, and what to do about it.
About them. The weirdest things, habits. Indulgence..
When I ovulate, for instance, I know how far I can go. And so, I go nowhere at all. I stay indoors. I’ve done the trial and error and have more often than not erred. And so, I steer clear. When I am not ovulating, however, I allow myself test the waters, I play with fire, and pray some “grace”-prayers I could have potentially done without, had I simply steered clear even then too. For- ovulation or not- my body reacts to almost all things pleasant to the senses. Blame my hormones, not me..
You see, I know myself. Most things turn me on. And so, if my man can’t from afar, chances are there’s something wrong with him.. But I digress. Whether it be sex, money, gadgets or anything at all, we all react to something. There are certain things we feel we’ll never gain control of.
The truth is, the control lies in knowing your limits. Some challenges will never just disappear. Some struggles will never ever stop presenting themselves, knocking at your door, pricking at your conscience. The true question is, what do YOU do in those times? It is easy to blame the devil for tempting, and God for permitting certain things, but we’ve all been given a measure of grace, awareness and self-control.