Sometimes I just wish I could stop.
Push the pause button.
Take a break from being Self.
Being heavy and feeling full.
So mind-full and thought-full.
Wit-full; so drama-full.
Sometimes I want to be nothing at all.
Empty. Hollow. Light.
“You think too much. Way too much..” he whispered.
I knew he was right but I simply sighed.
..a deep sigh.
For I could not admit I felt trapped.
Could not admit that more often than I got on yours, I got on my own nerves.
Literally. On my entire mental self.
I found myself guilty of giving myself a headache.
But, unlike others, I cannot run from (my)self.
Get away. Simply escape.
The privilege of taking a break from being self.
Sometimes I do not feel beautiful at all.
Outside or in.
I’ve pictures myself being consumed in a fire.
No, not in hell. Never that!
And yet, transformed in the midst of flames too great to quench.
Too powerful to put out.
A million times and more.. burnt alive.
In those moments I feel light.
No thoughts, no burdens.
No pain. Just life.
You see, what I see myself as a Phoenix:
A creature reborn into a better and higher version of self.
One with more strength, and perhaps less (or just different?) weaknesses.
Having left certain shackles behind, evolving into a more mature being.
A being – not necessarily with a higher purpose- but one whole.
Complete in and of itself.
Purified by fire.
Not its own, but His.
Being reborn, our of ashes.. into something more beautiful to behold, to enjoy.
A reflection of Life?
I’ve pictured myself being born out of flames.
The Purifier’s flames. His fire.
And coming out a-new; a-fresh; a-live.
Who knows, maybe some day He’ll give me beauty for ashes.
And out of those ashes.. cause me to be re-born indeed.
Perhaps this day is to-day, as I lay (it all) at His feet.
Like a Phoenix.