I did some more thinking last night. I did so, naturally, as I had to do something with myself while lying on my bed.. alone.
And so I thought about this guy.. and as I did, I think I fell in love with him.
Literally, figuratively, imaginarilly.. call it whatever, but there sha was that thought of feeling in love.
Now, we all know about the ancient power of focusing one’s mind on something specific (intentionally or not) and the divine power to speak things into existence.
Scenario 1: You had an okay-day. Let’s give okay a “0”. Someone asks you how your day was and you tell him/her that it was, well, what it was: okay. Zero. What that does for you and the other person? Well, you guessed it, zero!
Scenario 2: You had an okay-day but expected more of it. You feel disappointed. Let’s give disappointment a “-1”. Someone asks you how your day went and you tell him/her it was a disaster. What that does for your okay-day? Well, it makes it worse. Added to that, it makes you feel like poopoo and spreads a blanket of doom over the other person as well. You’ve now successfully achieved the reality of both your imagination and confession: negativity.
Scenario 3: You had an okay-day but tell yourself that it was a rather good one. You are excited about life and the things lying ahead. Let’s give excitement a “+1”. Now, someone asks you how your day went and you are full of energy and life. Let’s give energy and life a “+2”. Your mind is aware, your eyes full of light, and your attitude is “can do”. Let’s give “can do” a “+3”. The other person both sees and feels the life springing from you and feels encouraged too. What that does for him/her? Well, it really adds some kick to life and an assurance that “things are never really that bad”.
What made the difference? What separates the zeros from the heros? Well, their attitude! It’s a mind-thing!! Don’t you see?!
Okay, anyway, so as I was thinking about love, and as I thought it, I felt this.
This feeling could not be a waste; you see, I naturally needed an object for my affection, someone to give all this imaginary attention to.
And as I was there, thinking about how we would start dating, loving, travelling, enjoying each other’s company.. a moment of revelation and sadness overpowered me.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, and so I did neither..
You see, whenever I feel love, it doesn’t matter whom it is I am loving. Who he was or where he was from. I had created a mental picture and simply needed someone to fill the gaps.
I had created an entire life, well my life until 2050 anyway, and needed someone to share it with.
There really was no room for a complete and independent, thinking and purposeful human being in this picture of mine. It really was quite perfect as-is.
Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all rosy, not at all. But even our disagreements, fights and probable seasons of separation had been beautifully/tragically worked out.
His reaction to some of my antics, and my reaction to his.. all wonderfully and clearly planned out.
My reaction to negative news, even grief, was a mental reality.. as was that of joy.
The little things he would do in the mornings, the messages or emails (always a +!) he’d send, totally randomly.
The announcement of new things, project, ventures he would embark on, and the advice he would seek from me.
You see, I quite knew how I would/wouldn’t want things to be, and I was okay with that.
I was pleased with sitting on the passenger’s seat.
As long as I knew he would drive the path I would.
If I were him, do and say and be the things I could.
I really did not love him at all. I loved the idea of him not being and thinking and acting like HE.
I don’t know whether you’re understanding me.
I really just loved the idea of him being that reflection/part of me I needed someone else to be.
I liked the idea of love.
I guess what I really realized last night was that love was really no idea at all.
Love meant loving and accepting someone else for who he simply was. Full-stop.
Not his actions or his doings, but The Person.
Somehow, I guess I must shift from creating a life to eventually fit him into, to being open and ready to build another, a new life with him.