This Single Life..

Just last night I had another “emotional breakdown” as I discussed my single-status with family and friends: This single life is just not it!

..and to be honest, I really do hate it when married people encourage me to “enjoy this season of your life” for obvious reasons.. If it were that great indeed, surely you too would have remained on this side of the marital fence *side eye*.

My other single friends scold me for “not taking this single-issue seriously enough”. They hear my pain but do not feel it. I am way too laid back about it. That is, until I break down.

And so, as I was lamenting and crying over the telephone, my mother reminded me of the fact that “Yinka, since you desire to get married, you will.. eventually. It is all just about timing, meeting the right person. Surely, if it were just about getting hitched, you could have done that long time ago. You are waiting for the right person. And in the meantime, just be happy! Live your life, laugh, and make sure you make yourself happy. You are young, beautiful, intelligent. You are God-fearing, adventurous and creative. You have a lot of life and a lot of it to live and give. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Besides, ugly people are getting married. Physically deformed and disabled people are getting married too. So, in either case or any way, you really have absolutely nothing to worry about.”

..and it made me wonder. With all I am and apparently have, I am where I am.
Another friend of mine, after listening to me lamenting and crying (invisible) tears, said that – although my 7 single years were quite impressive- she had been single for 24 years (aka all her life).

“This is not a competition”, I defended myself.
But there I was comparing my marital status to that of others.

Wanting someone to have and to hold, share all I had and was with. 
Someone to talk to, look at, respect, care for, love.
Someone to call my own.
My own Mr Darcy.

Someone who would lead and protect  our unity, and beyond that our family.
A beautiful romance.
A tragedy.

Way too many expectations.
A picture of how things ought to be.

Just a couple of days ago, while in conversation with someone, I explained the rules laughingly:
“All right, so we’ll alternate the questioning, one person asks one question at a time. The other may not probe however. And you cannot throw a question back either (no repetitions ie. so what about you?) We can go as many rounds as you want though.”

He was confused, “Why so many rules?
“Not rules, we are just establishing the basics.”
“What basics? Can’t we just have a normal conversation and let it flow?”
“Hmmm.. no, that would be boring.”

It made me think. Having been described as someone with a somewhat strong personality, I had to concede to the general opinion that I could really be quite the handful at times.

A romantic at heart, a love-story could just not be ordinary. If it wasn’t a long-lost childhood friend from Vienna, I bumped into at a fair in London; surely it would have to be someone I bumped into at a book-store in Paris, just to meet him again years later walking down the streets of New Year. Either way, it would have to be extra-ordinary.

It would have to be out of a fairytale; divine, inspirational.
Like a dream..

Needless to say, I really have been dreaming.

And so, as I saw crying and feeling sorry for myself, and listened to my parents cheer me up and even sing me a song (love you guys!), my father tried to end the conversation by referring me to Ruth 3:3, “just keep making an effort” while my mother hastily interrupted him by saying, “she already does that! Yinka, don’t worry. Just be happy as you are. At the right time, it will all come together beautifully. There is no point rushing things. You need to be with someone who loves and embraces you as you are. Better to take time now, than to rush out. There are too many unhappy couples. Take your time. Believe me, it is the better price to pay.”

This morning I woke up- well, it would be a lie to say I was excited about the day- with some kind of renewed hope; just to find an article titled “9 reasons (you may not know) why Christian single ladies cant find the Boaz, David or Joseph” (click here to read it) via a link of Facebook.

If there was but one mistake that I have made all my life, it really has been dismissing men who had no clear understanding or knowledge of where they were going. Believing that I myself was already working and walking towards purpose and fulfilment, and having a rough blueprint for it, I have always believed I needed to meet someone who was sure of where he was going too, and who- as God would have and orchestrate it- was actually walking down that very same path. Not having to meet and discuss and wonder and compromise a new path, but actually meeting someone and journeying down life’s lane together; naturally.

And not wanting to manipulate, I have also always held back from sharing my true passions, where I was headed, what I wanted to achieve, not as to manipulate or coerce him.
But isn’t this how God usually works? He gives us rough stones, diamonds. To polish until they shine. I am not talking about changing anyone, but isn’t it true that most men need a fan to help fuel their inner flame? Someone to believe in them, encourage them, be there to inspire and praise. Someone who actually helps and allows them be(come) their best.

None of our great men of old had it all figured out. And so He sent a help-meet; someone to help guide and guard humbly, behind the scenes.

Just as I was reading the aforementioned article, I was reminded of the power of the gospel. The power of a testimony. The life and transformation that is birthed in the place of sharing someone’s passion and listening to someone’s testimony. How many of our lives and decisions have not been altered by a word, a book, a speech, a prayer? Isn’t this how true inspiration works? A life transformed through the sheer act of someone else’s generosity and willingness to share just a bit of what s/he is or has?

From now on I will approach this single life differently.
I will meet people and simply share me; and if while simply sharing something beautiful happens, it simply happens..


8 Comments Add yours

  1. Love the article. So many things to respond to but I will say this. Love where you are, love you, be open minded and stop worrying … will happen the minute you relax and let go. Let God.

  2. Akriti says:

    This is a very nice post. The sentiment beneath it has been very aptly put out there. I really like it.
    Good job 🙂
    i’d really appreciate if u could spare a few minutes and tell me what u feel about this –

    It’s a very touching picture . I need more and more people to tell me what they feel about it .

  3. oochay says:

    I wish I could hug you right now. I was having the same ‘breakdown’ (I’m pretty good at hiding my feelings so on these rare occasions that I slip up, I’m quick to recover. Haha) and I cried myself to sleep. Tears of sadness cuz I wished I could call up that special someone and talk and tears of anger at myself for doubting and not being patient with God.

    My mom gave me a little talk too (it’s amazing how when we get older, talking with our mothers about these things gets easier) and told me basically what your mom said too and a little addition of ‘don’t be too independent and don’t act like you don’t need them’. Sigh! I know I still struggle with that.

    I keep telling myself, a couple of years from now, I’d look back and laugh at all my fretting and crying.

    We’d be fine. I can’t wait for that ‘bearded young man’ to ‘find’ you.


    Ps: Hope you’d still be coming to London in September.

    1. DeMorrieaux says:

      Lol! That independent thing, preach it.
      The other day a friend opened the car-door for me and I was hesitant, “I can do that myself, thanks.”
      Not wanting to make him feel like he had “achieved” something by opening the door for me.
      I don’t know, it’s definitely one of those things I need to work on.
      I guess with me it’s the negative experience of having someone do very little, yet lording it over you to make sure you remember that he once did something so totally (insignificantly) beyond his usual/natural self.
      Especially when they do it hoping to either get some brownie points, or other benefits for their “generosity” or “gentlemanly behaviour”.
      If you want to be “nice” fair enough, be it, but please genuinely! If not, good too, I can be nice to myself.

      And so, when someone actually does something nice, I have now become sceptical.

      Sigh.. it is well..


      We shall be found! *dancing* and until then, we’ll dance solo anyway..

      1. oochay says:

        You can say that again! Haha. I totally understand those ‘brownie point’ moments, the ‘lording’ (so annoying).
        Sigh…Its a work in progress. Getting over the skepticism and suspicions.

        Wheeeeee! Dancing solo can be pretty fun sometimes. *grinning*

  4. Timiebix says:

    Please give your mum a big hug for me! I felt like she was talking to me!! Just recently single it’s been hard and I get everything you feel, the beauty of it is it will surely happen and I pray the God gives us grace to be discerning and not let our “expectations” cloud our reasoning in Jesus name.
    Btw extra extra massive hug for you xoxoxo

    1. DeMorrieaux says:

      Haha.. Thanks! *hugs right back*

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