The past two months have been very interesting; not exclusively because I went MIA (I do apologize for that.. to those who noticed and actually truly care) but because it has indeed been an interesting season.
I travelled to Switzerland and had a really great time; I started my Master’s degree, and have been acing all my courses. And yet, something seemed wrong. Something wasn’t right.
And as I wondered and pondered,
I remember where and when it all went wrong. Downhill. I was told I needed to change. Need to stop being so open, honest, free. Huh? Stop being me?
Well, I gave it a thought, I gave it two. Not for the first time; I tried. Tried wearing someone else’s shoe. A mismatch. A misfit. But, seeing as the word kept coming, why not try harder?
And harder I tried.. But what I noticed right in the centre of it all.. Right in the midst of my mouth being shut: my soul growing colder.
Why was it a problem that I shared to freely? A life lived – not recklessly- but carefree.
Why was it a problem I didn’t mind showing my scars?
And as I sought His face in prayers, I saw my prayers centering more and more around me.
My needs, desires, longings, wishes, wants, and failings. After all, I needed to change.
I was told so again, especially seeing as I was still single. There must be something wrong.
Something I needed to sort out. God was telling me something; was I not hearing?
And so I did; over and over, time and time again.
But there was silence.
That painful silence.. until I heard that still small voice whisper
You stopped speaking; and so did I.
Right there and then I remembered the promise. The vow. Our agreement,
For as long as You speak, I will share with the world.
But I was angry and stopped. Like Moses, I struck the rock.
Of recent a couple of friends have been asking me whether I was still writing. They wanted to know what happened to the blog. They reminded me of stories and memories shared; of books not yet written. They reminded me of treasures waiting to be discovered, chests unlocked.
Not wanting to dwell on the issue, I briskly responded that I was just taking a short break.
But restless I was.
A break from what, I heard an inner voice ask, a break from extending you?
But why would I want to extend a broken part of me, an incomplete one, one in need of transformation?
And there it was..
For exactly that reason, it was not about me. It was always about taking others on a journey of discovery.
Not the discovery of you, but of Him who changes.. and transforms.. and is able use the abused, and change the unchangeable; but above all: love the unlovable. So why cover up?
And as I walked down the street meditating, I witnessing a gay couple exchanging kisses. I shook my head as I smiled.
Smiling at their obvious affection for each other, I shook at how misplaced they were.
The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure.
Who can know it? (Jer. 17:9)
The answer – naturally- is, Our Maker.
Isn’t that what it is all about? Being able to show who you are, yet admit your failing and shortcomings, your need for The Redeemer? Isn’t this what life is all about? What life and love and family and friends are meant to show you? Bringing to light the very fact that although you are wonderfully made, you are not perfect. And that, although you are not perfect, you are special and accepted and wanted. And that, although there is a better you locked up inside, you are unconditionally loved all the same?
And there, right in the midst of acceptance.. the humbling experience of acknowledging that as much as you are loved and accepted and wanted and respected, you are incomplete.
Right in the midst of this awareness, the process of transformation begins.
Isn’t this what exactly we agreed on?
He asked me.
That right in the midst of your pain and shame, I would shine My light.
Remembering my answer to His call, I sighed.
How easily it is to get discouraged. How easy it is to allow well-meaning friends or members of your family to discourage you, wrongly advice you, project their own worries and fears unto you and thus cut short your destiny?
How easy is it to simply remain; to stand on your own? Standing right in the midst of light, of right; and yet feeling completely forsaken, misunderstood, rejected?
How easy is it really to consciously decide to stand in solitude and yet be happy?
I thought about the advice given, about how a potential spouse might stumble upon this blog and shake his head. There was just TMI on it; TMI to share with the world; way TMI too soon in the dating game. What was there to still figure out? And so I shut it down. In worries, in fears. What if he saw all that, read all this, and choose to go another way.
Well, then he isn’t the one.
it came. And right there I remembered His promises.
I need you to simply be YOU. Nothing else will do.
What blessed assurance? What peace to know that it was okay for me to embrace who I was. Whom He needed me to be; for His own glory.
How reassuring it was to be reminded of the fact that although I am a work in progress, I am beautiful and fearfully made all the same.
And how humbling it is to be given that gift of a pulpit. My very ow people to speak to, to share with.
My very own avenue, yes, my very own microphone to use.
My very own way to express me, and show forth Him.
And so, I’ve decided to once again return with no clothes on, with no holds barred. I’ve decided to once again stand here boldly, Naked & Unashamed, believing that with every single post shared, He might speak to you; and you too will come to discover yourself, One Page At A Time.