When I cycled back to my dorm this afternoon, the sunny weather was a perfect reflection of my mood.
A brief night and successful presentation behind me, I looked forward to lying down for a while and rest, before heading out again.
However, the warm weather no longer reflects my mood.
It now mocks me.
Although I find it supremely difficult to be extremely sad and act somewhat depressed – such things do not come naturally to me (this is a gift I am eternally grateful for) – I do find it equally impossible to look at him and smile as though everything was okay. To pretend not to feel this striking pain, this painful realization of having lost something potentially special, of having lost something that seemed so natural, so beautiful, so fluid, so real. Now, all I am left with is the sad realization of loss.
And I sigh; I no longer smile.
Whoever said, “It’s never too late!” was clearly lying.
I’ve realized that now.
Now, being about 10 months too late.
Not after the lie, but after the un-undoable deed was done.
And whoever said, “A girl without shakara* no complete” was lying too.
For sometimes, the very thing that completes her, is just the lack thereof.
And so, I have resolved to console myself with the simple fact that,
this realization too will be the start of something new, something fresh, something true.
..something that will actually be.
- * Shakara: showing off, boasting about the impossible, playing “hard to get”