I lost two beautiful posts simply by failing to translate my mental notes into words. Numerous insights I had wished to share disappeared as I chose to trust the capabilities of my mind over my experiences of forgetfulness. I thought I had learnt to manage my inspirations, to store them in a well of delight, always to draw from as I pleased; but naturally I was wrong: life once again took over (just as it always did), distracting me, and burying mental notes in corners of my mind I would probably never find again.
But that is okay..
Because others keep coming.
Just as they did yesterday..
..in light of grade/s received and cutting self some slack.
Having received our grades from a recently completed course, I had a near-panic-attack (accept my sense of the dramatic) upon the revelation of my awarded grade. Surely this must be an error? was my first thought. Something simply must have been wrong.
You see, I really do know when I do badly or am graciously awarded a grade. In such cases, I humbly concede or proudly decline, I stand for hard-work, sweat, toil and merit. I detest handouts. Don’t pamper, spoil, or prefer me. Just act unbiased and fairly! Judge me, judge my work: my thoughts and ideas, the quality of my presentations and documentations.
And so, this time, I really did wonder. For a while that is. Fair enough, it might have been my worst grade so far, but yet not really that bad a grade at all. Sure enough, there would be more than just a handful of peers cheering and sighing with relief upon this grade; but not me, and certainly not today! Not on this course. I knew I deserved better.
I am an outspoken critic and fair judge of my own work. I have approached teachers on numerous occasions before, admonishing them to downgrade me when I felt I was treated preferentially. That is, if I was.
But this time – apart from having given it 100 percent – I had actually done exceptionally well. I could honestly say that to myself. And so, the awarded grade did come as a stinging surprise.
It made me think.
Although I do like to think of myself as quite good at stepping out of my personal self and looking at the big picture until I arrive at the point of objecting my own objections, I have realized that the grand scheme of things is of interest to a limited few only. Most prefer their own view.
And so, I began to wonder whether there really was such a thing as non-bias?
Typically – just as I realized it had been recently – our judgements are based less on facts and more on experiences and impressions: subjectively.
Typically, we are less moved or motivated by actual phenomenons and more by what we believe the meaning of the experienced phenomenon to be.
It is hardly ever about what is said or how it is being said, and more about what we believe the said really to portray: a lack of respect, an unwillingness to submit, a sheer disregard for convention or authority or creativity. It is less about the action, and more about the impressions and interpretations of the same.
And so, ultimately when we judge (others), we do so on the basis of a very specific and highly subjective personal paradigm: a pattern of how we believe things ought to be.
A very personal bias.
Thus, turning the lens of reflection upon myself, I was shamefully forced to admit just how my current experience had actually clouded my so-called objectivity. For how unbiased could I really be when upset? Most often objectivity gives way to emotions, I believe this is needed for inner stability – to some extent, that is.
But beyond and thankfully above that, I was reminded that sometimes other’s stamps of approval, reassuring nods or pats on the shoulder are actually utterly irrelevant.
Sometimes, one’s work need not be acknowledged by others but merely appreciated by self. Sometimes, even-though you give your all and do your best, your deeds will not garner praise or attract (any sort of) rewards; and that is totally okay.
Sometimes, all you really need is to hear Him say, well done!
And so, as this year is coming to an end, I look back and smile at how far I have come. I want to encourage you to do the same. Do not look at your failures but at your victories; not at your losses but your gains; not at your struggles but of the glory that lies ahead.
Sometimes all you really need is a grain of positivity to look in the face of adversity and smile the pain away. And sometimes, just sometimes, it’s really not that serious a matter anyway.
Just ask yourself: in the grand scheme of things, would it really have made a difference? Or as my sister would say: In the end, who cares? Just chill!